


Stroke by Stroke

by notobvioustome, toutcequonveut



Series: SxS [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Adulthood, Eventual Romance, Gen, Nonbinary Character, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Other, Sketches in later chapters :3, Slow Burn, Swimming, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2020-07-28 20:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 40,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notobvioustome/pseuds/notobvioustome, https://archiveofourown.org/users/toutcequonveut/pseuds/toutcequonveut
Summary: Lir is desperate for work. When a shady ad for a swimming instructor drops in his lap, he jumps at the chance - and into a manor house with an enormous pool. How will his life change when he meets the eccentric owner Cal Lê?Inspired and co-written with notobvioustome, an amazing person and friend who happened to espy a scene from which this whole work unfurled!T rating for occasional language (and by occasional I mean VERY occasional)THIS WORK IS ONGOING and therefore subject to change!





	1. In which we meet Lir

_Beep beep beep!_

Lir’s cheeks pinked as the tiny machine announced to everyone between the register and aisle 14 that he didn’t have enough money to pay for these groceries. Why did the agonizing sound of his card declining have to be so _loud_? Keeping his eyes down, he fumbled through the assembled items and sighed as the purchases that were least cost-effective were all fresh produce...again. At least canned vegetables were cheap so Lir wasn’t completely wasted away. On the other hand, he was pretty sure his blood was saltier than the Dead Sea at this point. There was only so much he could scrimp on though - celiac disease was unforgiving in the rules with which it dictated his pantry. What was his other choice, die?

The cashier at least looked sympathetically at him as they removed the items he indicated. It hadn’t been the first time this had happened, or even the first time with this particular cashier. This time, the card reader was blissfully silent as it sucked out his money; however, this was not accounting for Lir’s internal screaming.

Once he was safely ensconced in his car, he allowed himself the luxury of letting his frustrations find sound for exactly three seconds before dialing in a well-practiced number.

A low, bright voice responded, “Hello, you have reached Silton Temp Agency. How may I help you?”

“Hey there Coral, please tell me you have good news?” Lir was not ashamed to beg, not when he was on his last few dollars with no hope in sight. Also, he knew Coral from the local LGBT cafe’s monthly meetings, so it wasn’t as if he was throwing himself on the mercy of a stranger.

He could almost hear Coral biting her lip as she tried to let him down easy “Oh, Mr. Merriden, you know how busy it gets around here and we have lots of askers but not enough offers…”

Lir cut across the familiar dialogue. “Coral, you can be honest with me. Has the agency even been looking? You and I both know that it was a colossal mistake for me to disclose my gender identity truthfully on my application to Silton.” He had known it at the time too, but he had been so full of trans pride, being three years on HRT and having gotten top surgery recently. At the time, Lir had thought it was only going to be a minor slump, and he would just apply to the temp agency, get back on his feet, and life would pick back up.

Instead he had been stuck in this existence of barely getting by month to month for the past ten months. His savings were strained and his budget carefully stripped to fewer necessities than he had thought were possible. Thankfully, Lir was still on his parents’ health insurance so he could get his hormones and the medical care he needed for celiac.

“Look, Lir. I’m telling you this as a friend, okay?” Coral’s voice got even lower, as though she were afraid of being overheard by her coworkers. There was a pause; he could picture her glancing around uneasily before continuing. “There’s a new temp agency in the area that I definitely shouldn’t be recommending to you because it’s our competition, but maybe you could start fresh with them. It’s called Magic Staffing Agency.”

“That’s… that’s a terrible name.”

“I know,” Coral said with obvious annoyance, as though she were personally offended by the fact that an agency with such a name could even be considered competition against her own agency. Lir didn’t point out that “Silton” wasn’t exactly the most charming name. It was an awful lot like naming something “Dirtson” or “Soilton.” But he didn’t want to offend the presumed founder of the agency by saying so out loud. Coral pressed on, a note of urgency in her voice. “But this could be your chance. Just be careful about what you tell them this time, okay?” She sounded like she hated herself for saying it, but he knew she was just trying to look after him, and he appreciated it even if it left a twisted feeling in his stomach.

“Thanks, Coral,” Lir said with a sigh. “I’ll see you at the cafe next week, yeah?”

“Definitely,” Coral said, the relief in her voice obvious. “Take care, Lir.”

He hung up and rested his head against the steering wheel for a moment. He’d perfected the art of leaning his forehead on the upper arc of the wheel without accidentally banging his head on the horn (it had only taken about three incidents of terrifying himself and every other living creature within a half mile radius to learn to avoid doing that).

A new temp agency. Or rather, a staffing agency - and in spite of the terrible name, it might offer even better opportunities, since staffing agencies offered long-term, full-time job matches in addition to just temporary ones. But at this point, Lir wasn’t feeling particularly choosy about what kind of job might get dropped in his lap.


	2. In which Lir learns more about Magic Staffing

An hour later he was sitting in his windowsill with his laptop, which was so ancient it was practically vintage, featuring a spiderwebbed screen and cooling fans so loud he couldn’t watch his sister’s Netflix account without subtitles. The meager collection of groceries had been put away and he was eating his homemade version of ramen out of a chipped bowl. It was really just rice noodles in spicy broth with a few chopped vegetable ends, which he liked to pretend was as healthy as it was cheap.

He Googled “magic staffing agency” and leaned back, slurping noodles and looking out over the alley, which looked almost charmingly rustic in the evening light - grimey bricks glowing dull red in the sunset, lengthening shadows obscuring the litter-strewn row of dumpsters below. His internet was slow enough that he’d learned not to watch the screen when waiting for search results to appear. The windowsill was the only part of his rented room that he liked, because for whatever reason it was two feet deep and wide enough to sit cross-legged in. He just had to be careful not to lean against the window frame itself because he was pretty sure it would go crashing down two stories into the alley with the slightest push, and he didn’t want to go tumbling down with it. He had a prized Goodwill-found pillow padding the windowsill so that it was almost like a country cottage window seat, if you ignored the crooked plastic Venetian blinds that had been wrangled into submission and tied up awkwardly with twist ties (they were so mangled that they couldn’t descend all the way anyway).

A change in lighting turned Lir’s head back to his laptop and he saw the Google results had popped up. He groaned in annoyance as there was of course a dildo some company had made called the Magic Staff and it was impossible to find anything else as it was apparently a very _good_ dildo and nobody could stop talking about it online. Lir made a mental note about the sheer number of glowing reviews and, um, _interesting_ pictures and filed the information away in the part of his brain dedicated to “when I have disposable income again”. He then resigned himself to waiting another ten minutes while his computer struggled to ask the internet in more refined terms about “‘magic staffing agency’ employment”. 

By the time he had finished his soup, he had managed to find and load the website, learning in the process that the agency abbreviated itself as “MaStaff” to avoid confusion with...other products. Despite the questionable naming choice, it at least looked like a professional and legitimate website. Lir ignored the thunderous roaring of his laptop’s fan as he demanded the impossible of it - using two applications at once - and pulled up his résumé to see what could be spruced up a little.

Lir scoffed as he looked at the pitiful collection of minimum wage jobs he had worked. Even if Silton had tried at all, his resume made him look flighty instead of constantly being given fewer and fewer hours until he was forced to quit and find new work elsewhere. He couldn’t be certain it was because of his transness, but given the looks some managers had given him...he wouldn’t be surprised. Turning his attention back to the matter at hand, Lir considered deeply before beginning to type. 

Reading fanfiction and leaving reviews? More like “Providing editing services to writers not yet associated with a publishing house”.

Writing fix-it fanfiction and posting it on AO3? Sounds like he meant “Engaging deeply with written materials and produced more digestible versions for online communities”.

Posting and commenting on the celiac subreddit? Hmm, he’s pretty sure he was actually “Communicating and collaborating with a collection of colleagues to compile a comprehensive guide aimed to alleviate the burden of patients with celiac disease”.

Lir paused for a moment, reviewing what he had written. The hobbies that he had gratuitously transformed into hireable skills made him seem a bit too swottish, and he didn’t want to block off even one avenue that might lead to a stable job. Lir tipped his head back with a small _tunk!_ and tapped his fingers idly on the thundering laptop, wondering how much he could embellish. He really wasn’t all that physical. The combination of being chronically ill as well as chronically short of cash to properly feed himself and chronically short on time because all of it was spent applying for jobs left little space for things like working out.

At that moment a bolt of inspiration struck. Lir jerked up and almost dropped his laptop in his haste to write “Runner-up champion swimmer in various high school and college club friendly competitions”. It made him sound somewhat athletic and, by not disclosing an exact placement, club, or official competition, it would be impossible to prove him wrong. Really, he was fit enough, he just needed a little boost to make him seem able-bodied and like a nice young lad that anybody would be happy to hire.

Done with the polishing up, Lir saved the document and uploaded it to MaStaff’s site. His computer seemed to sigh in gratefulness as he let it rest from strenuously keeping two apps going. Just one short application later - Lir’s mood sobering as Coral’s warning rang through his head again - and he was now in the hands of MaStaff’s algorithms.

With that out of the way, he decided it would be best to get some sleep - he had an early shift volunteering at the LGBT outreach center the next morning. The nice thing about volunteering there was that being trans didn’t disqualify him from the position, unlike just about anywhere else. The downside of volunteering there was the whole not-getting-paid aspect - and the fact that he was hesitant to list the experience on his resume for obvious reasons. But he loved it all the same, and it helped dispel his sense of restless unemployed unfulfillment.

After using his capped razor to squeeze another impossible drop out of his tube of toothpaste and putting on his favorite boxers, which featured winged toasters inspired by the After Dark screensavers of his youth, he flopped onto his bed, which was perhaps more accurately described as a nest of blankets on a lopsided mattress on the floor (who could afford a boxspring or a bedframe, anyway?), and tried to sleep. It was almost impossible because of his growing queasy anticipation - would he wake up in the morning to an email from MaStaff offering him a job match? Or would he simply be added to the queue and be forced to wait in uncertain agony as jobs were doled out to other more qualified candidates? A chilling thought struck him. Would the agency request a background check, and discover the paper trail leading to his entirely legal yet still unfairly incriminating name change? He couldn’t afford for this to be another dead end. He watched the lights of the cars driving past on Linden Avenue arc across the ceiling and listened to the sounds of his neighbors discovering that their cat had birthed a hairball in their shoes (yet again). Everyone had problems, he reflected as he pulled a blanket over his head to compensate for the sounds of betrayal and despair traveling through the paper thin walls. Everyone went to sleep restless and anxious and caught up in worries that might be as trivial as cat vomit in a shoe or as enormous as the prospect of not making rent next month. But worrying about it wouldn’t do any good. Somehow, telling himself that didn’t seem to do much good either. He fell asleep wondering if the shoes were ruined, and had very strange dreams indeed.


	3. In which Lir goes to volunteering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will the next morning have in store for our favorite intrepid young adult?

“Good morning! How can I help you today?” Lir’s customer service voice was flawless. It was so perfectly crafted that sometimes he wondered if he was truly human, or if he was actually an extremely advanced AI that had been programmed to have emotions by mistake. But if that were true it seemed like he should be good at other things too. Like drinking his herbal spice tea without having it drip sneakily down the side of his mug and leaving a ring on the LGBT center’s thrifted wooden welcome desk.

“I’m here for the knitting group? I think I’m late,” the frazzled-looking newcomer draped in unseasonably warm and luxurious scarves offered with a well-practiced apologetic smile. Lir had a hunch that this person said that a lot.

“Of course! It’ll be down the hall on your right in the room with the rainbow tree on the door. And don’t worry, you’re only… forty-five minutes late. I’m sure no one will mind.”

He made sure to keep smiling brightly until they disappeared down the hall before he leapt back into action. There wasn’t any actual leaping involved, but the illicit thrill of using the center’s computer for its relatively higher speed internet to research MaStaff and refresh his email every thirty seconds (only to switch over to the center’s homepage whenever someone walked behind him) made him feel like he was actually participating in a parkour competition.

He was so deeply focused on hitting refresh exactly every thirty seconds, in fact, that when a low voice said “Hi!” over his shoulder he almost _did_ do parkour, if parkour involved startled flailing.

Once he had settled back a bit, he greeted Coral similarly, ignoring her amused smirk at his antics. She knew very well that he tended to overact when startled and loved to show that she knew it. Traitor.

“Did you do that thing I suggested?” her dark eyes flicked to his screen significantly, and Lir knew then that she had seen his email refreshing cycle.

“I did,” he replied. “Now I just have to wait. And what are you doing here? You don’t normally come in on Tuesdays because you have to look after Adrian, right?”

“Cecilia is working from home today and volunteered to keep an eye on him,” Coral’s eyes softened a little as she thought of her wife and child, hand unconsciously stroking at her long black braids. Lir knew that a silly thing the two had joked about while dating had turned into a vow that neither would cut their hair as long as they loved the other, as a sort of visualization of everlasting love. He pushed away the reminder that he couldn’t even begin to _think_ about pursuing romance while he was pursuing the means of living, but a guy could dream.

The dreamy moment ended when Coral’s dark eyes suddenly pinned him to his chair. “Don’t think you can distract me, Lir. Did you make the changes I suggested?” Her eyes and voice softened again. “It’s definitely not ideal, but I’ve been in your situation and it will hopefully only be long enough till you get back on your feet.”

Lir opened his mouth to answer, but a shift in his peripheral vision turned his head. The flail showed itself once more as he nearly fell out of his chair. “I got an offer!” He clicked on the wrong email five times before finally gaining enough composure to click on the bold text proclaiming, **“Congratulations! We’ve found you a match!”**

“What?” Coral exclaimed, doing her best to squeeze into the desk space not meant for two. 

“‘Hi Lir, we are pleased to announce that we have matched you with a position! Please review the details below and confirm or deny your acceptance within three business days.’ Then there’s a bunch of small print...ah, here’s the details!”

Both Lir and Coral began to read in growing incredulity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohohoho CLIFF HANGER!


	4. In which Lir reads his email

Both Lir and Coral read in growing incredulity the following:

“‘To Whom It May Concern,  
I am Seeking an instructor Competent in the art of Natation. Due to the Circumstances of my Birth, I have been Denied this Knowledge in my childhood. How thusly, am I supposed to make Use of my Very Large and Long Swimming Pool? The Wonders of the Wet and Streamlined body Stroking its way through smooth water Escape me, for I fear I may Drown if I attempt, on my lonesome, to Address my dearth of understanding How To Swim.  
As aforementioned, I have unique Circumstances that will be made aware to Whoever will have the Fortune of Matching with my plea. Make haste, my Fellow Folk, in your responses to MaStaff. I cannot bear my lack of Knowledge for long.

I await your replies Impatiently,  
CQL’”

“There aren’t a lot of names that start with Q,” Coral said after a long moment in which they both attempted to absorb and process the letter.

“No,” Lir agreed, though that was honestly the least disturbing feature of the message.

“Well… I’m sure something else will turn up soon,” Coral offered. She must have caught the look on his face, because she grabbed his shoulder in sudden alarm. “You’re not… You’re not actually _considering_ this, are you? I mean, this guy is clearly - ”

“Don’t say a serial killer, that’s so cliche. And you don’t know it’s a guy.”

“Okay well they’re clearly… unstable. Or phishing. And potentially unsafe. I can’t believe the agency’s review team let this slip by. How can they not have built-in algorithms to filter out spam like this? Amateurs...”

But Lir was already clicking on the link to confirm his acceptance of the offer. If things got sketchy later on, he could always break the contract, and he wouldn’t be any worse off than he already was. Assuming he could escape the “potentially unsafe” client. Well. He’d worry about that later.

“Lir, you can’t do this! I know I’m the one who suggested it, but this is ridiculous - ”

He checked the tiny “I agree” terms and conditions box without actually reading the terms and conditions and clicked on the appealingly large purple bubble-like “SUBMIT” button. It made an archaic “swooshing” sound that reminded him of the days of AOL. He’d done it. He was no longer unemployed!

Lir triumphantly closed his Gmail tab, then hastily scrambled to close the lusty Lord of the Rings fanfiction that had been concealed beneath it (he had a thing for elves, okay?), and then his Tumblr dashboard after that, which was unfortunately at that moment displaying what was essentially a visual representation of the fanfic he’d been reading. _Crumbs_, he thought in despair, trying not to reflect on how sad it was that he didn’t even use real swear words in his mind. Luckily Coral hadn’t seemed to notice his scandalous doings, or at least she was politely pretending not to. But it seemed more likely that she was too caught up in worrying over him, which was equal parts flattering and annoying.

“It’s not too late to cancel your contract,” she said fretfully, staring at him with watering eyes. She had mastered reverse puppy-dog eyes, making him feel like he was the puppy dog in need of scolding.

“It’ll be fine,” Lir said gruffly.

“You don’t even know how to swim!” Coral practically wailed.

She had a point.

“That changes tonight,” he said with grim determination.

He weathered the rest of his shift with more patience than he could usually muster, barely listening to Coral’s dire warnings as he watched a YouTube playlist of swimming instruction videos. It was hard to focus when all he could think about was the fact that he might have money again in the tangible future. Real, actual money. He could buy fresh produce and get the strange guttural sound coming from under the hood of his car checked out. He could buy a new pair of jeans that actually fit him and weren’t fraying at the hems. And new shoes! His current Converse, which were originally black but had become a dull charcoal gray, were coming apart at the seams. Maybe he could even splurge on scented candles and a bath bomb or two…

When the clock had finished its agonizing mosey towards 1pm, Lir sprang up out of his chair. He was about to rush out the door before his brain caught up with him and he recalled that his internet rivalled the crawl of the clock in terms of slowness. Nasha wouldn’t be in for the few minutes it would take him to check his email one last time and--

_Oh god there’s another email_, thought Lir. Anticipation erupted within every cell in his body as he noted the sender’s name: C. Q. Le

Despite the tension thrumming in his arteries, the email contained only a simple statement. He read it out loud to ensure that he didn’t miss anything: “Hello. Please pack for a 2 week stay and plan to arrive at 200 Wisteria Way… _tomorrow at 4am?!”_

That settles it, Lir thought. This person is definitely crazy. He considered whether or not to reject what was rapidly approaching serial killer levels on the gauge of weirdness. 

His stomach growling at that exact moment decided him: Lir would put up with a serial killer because right now he could kill for some cereal. It had been so long since he’d been able to afford gluten-free grains, and cereal in particular was for those with a steady-enough income to purchase non-dairy milk as well. Sometimes Lir really hated how his body’s immune system, while waging war on gluten, had destroyed his ability to digest dairy in the crossfire.

As long as the person paid well enough for him to get some decent food, he figured he could put up with a body or two. And if the mysterious C. Q. Le wanted to murder Lir himself...well. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about being hungry anymore.

On that morbid note, Lir logged off the computer and locked up the desk in preparation for Nasha to take over. He had some packing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you take the job? Let us know in the comments!


	5. In which Lir starts his job

At 2am the next day (or rather that night, since no one in their right mind would describe 2am as “morning”), Lir blearily opened his eyes and groaned. He had not been able to sleep well in the face of whatever he was about to go through. In addition, he had to budget an extra hour into his transit time due to his car complaining loudly if he went over 40 mph for too long. Foreseeing this, Lir had packed everything yesterday and only needed to eat and brush his teeth - surely there was one more drop in the tube?

Lir rolled out of bed and wandered to his kitchen, checking that he hadn’t forgotten anything as he tucked into his meager breakfast of overnight oats. He was sick of oatmeal, had been for months now, but there was only so much variety that living on a budget could provide. He hoped fervently that the job would actually afford him such luxuries as gluten-free bread and a banana and the lusted after cereal with almond milk and berries. Lir hurriedly stopped himself from daydreaming before he got carried away in fantasies of decadence. He would start running late if he didn’t pick up the pace.

At exactly 2:45am, Lir turned on the ignition and began the drive to 200 Wisteria Way. He had looked up the directions last night and painstakingly written them out on a sheet of paper in case his memory failed him. The house appeared to be in the middle of the mountains. He supposed the view would be beautiful this time of year; however, he couldn’t see anything due to it being _dark o’clock in the morning._

While he drove, he tried not to think about the disastrous events of the evening before. He’d told Coral he would learn to swim before starting the job - but apparently, it would take more than three hours of YouTube videos and a two-hour free trial at the gym closest to his apartment to accomplish this feat. He remembered the burn of the chlorine as he’d flailed in the shallows of the beginner lane, only avoiding drowning out of sheer desperation (and the helpful fact that he was two feet taller than the water was deep). 

Eventually a kind elderly Russian lady who’d been doing speed laps with terrifying prowess had taken pity on him and given him some pointers, which had been difficult to understand because of the echoing of the splashes and shouts of the other pool-goers overlapping with her severe accent. She’d resorted to grabbing him every time he did something unintentionally life-threatening, and by the end of the two hours he could at least float on his back for about five seconds before his feet started sinking, and he could swim for about six strokes until he ran out of air and inevitably panicked and choked on water when he tried to inhale at the same time that he faceplanted in the water. Still, he’d been touched by her willingness to help him, and he wished he could repay her somehow. Maybe if this job didn’t go up in flames (or perhaps there was a better idiom that related to drowning or flooding? He’d have to mull it over), he’d go back and find her and do something nice for her as a thanks for saving his life in more ways than one.

Far too soon he was exiting off of the highway and turning onto a windy road that curved up through the foothills and into the mountains beyond. No one else was on the road at this time of night, and it was overcast with patches of fog, so it felt like driving through a basement or some other similarly dismal underground space. His car whined at a disturbing frequency as he ascended the narrow switchback road. The hairpin curves were fraying his already unraveling nerves. An owl swooped in front of his headlights, scaring him so badly he almost veered off the road, which would have been particularly bad considering the steep drop and the lack of a guardrail.

And then all at once he was breaking through the fog and into the brilliant night sky. Behind him the layer of clouds spread out like a pearly sea of fog, glowing silver under the moonlight. Above him the stars sprinkled across the sky; it was the first time he’d really seen the Milky Way, and he was surprised by how much it reminded him of a cosmic donut. He wondered what it meant that Earth was situated in the donut hole. He hadn’t realized he’d gained so much altitude, but he suspected he was above eight thousand feet. He hadn’t passed the treeline yet, but ahead of him he could see snow-capped mountaintops illuminated like something out of a fairytale. The breathtaking view made him fervently want to not be murdered. Although if this were the last thing he got to see before dying, well, it could have been worse.

And then, with surprising suddenness, he found himself approaching the turn onto Wisteria Way. Somehow he hadn’t fully appreciated how _remote_ the location was when he’d looked at it on Google Maps. He slowed to a stop in the middle of the road (it wasn’t like anyone would come up behind him, right?) and looked at the path curving into the dark forest. It was paved, but even in the darkness he could tell it wasn’t asphalt. It looked like those miniature cobblestones that people on home improvement shows with obscene amounts of money paved their driveways with. Not that he’d ever watched any such shows, of course. He frowned. Was this a _private_ road? He squinted at the street sign and saw that it did indeed say “PRIVATE” in tiny letters beneath the name. Great. He was about to drive into the unknown wilderness of the private property of a potential serial killer _in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night_. This was probably the worst idea he’d ever had.

Someone honked behind him. “Crumbs!” he yelled in absolute terror as whoever had been unfortunate enough to encounter him stopped in the middle of the road like the fool he was zoomed past him in the wrong lane and continued up the mountain. He could feel the burn of their furious side-eye, even if he couldn’t see it. He was glad they hadn’t gone up Wisteria Way, at any rate.

Somehow, the unnerving experience left him even more determined to see this through than before. It hadn’t exactly been a near-death experience, but it had been a moment of overcoming fear. He could overcome this fear too. At least that’s what he told himself.

After an obscenely long time going up and up and up, the road flattened and then made a sudden right turn. And there, looming ominously above him, was the House on Wisteria Way.


	6. In which Lir arrives at the house and is the mysterious one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite young man finally meets the mysterious CQL, and hijinks immediately ensue

Lir hadn’t let his brain suppose what the house of someone with enough money to pave with cobblestones might look like. If he had, he might have been more prepared when he got out of the car to better take in the vast grandeur of fairytale slate and wrought iron gates and—was that a literal _tower?_ Oh god was he going to be sequestered in a tower and be told to let down his hair each morning just to get fed? He was fairly sure his father hadn’t stolen any cabbages from a witch while his mom was pregnant...

Lir shuddered slightly, shaking off that trail of thought. He noted instead that he could see all the details because the whole house was illuminated by faint LED floodlights that threw just enough light to see by but not to obscure the night sky. It seemed like someone had gone to a lot of effort to make sure the depth of their pockets was visible in the form of a gigantic manor. And it was a manor, not just a house (seriously, who puts a tower on their living space?).

“Salutations,” whispered a voice next to his ear. 

Years later, Lir would fervently deny that his resultant scream actually woke an entire murder of crows that had been snoozing in a nearby wisteria, setting off a mass, writhing cloud of ominous cawing. It had been at most ten or twenty crows. Which might be a full murder (yes, he had had murder on the brain, thanks _Coral_), but he could deny all he wanted. He and Cal had been the only ones present and the crows couldn’t talk. 

When Lir came back to himself, there was a concerned face hovering above his, which was shocking enough that it nearly set him off again, especially because the face was an exceedingly _beautiful_ face. However, the person quickly clapped a hand over his mouth. “Shh,” they said, voice low. “I don’t want anyone to think there’s actually a murder taking place up here.”

_Oh that’s comforting,_ thought Lir, _hopefully that means murder’s not on the table._ Unfortunately, there were many unpleasant things that could still be on the table aside from murder. Like swimming. 

“Might you be my natation instructor?” the person inquired, gazing deeply into Lir’s muddy brown eyes as if the answer might be written on his retinas. 

“Y-yes,” Lir mumbled, voice somewhat muffled by the hand still covering his mouth. “Swimming. That’s me.” Honestly, he was more distracted by the person’s liquid dark eyes and hair, spilling smoothly over their shoulder and vaguely tickling his nose. 

“Excellent!” the person beamed, removing their hand and getting to their feet and spreading their arms wide in welcome. “My name is Cal. Verily, it is my pleasure to welcome you to Wisteria Manor!” 

The statement would have had a lot more impact had all the wisterias not been dead. 

“Now do come along. I must show you all there is to see,” Cal whirled and it was at that moment that Lir appreciated that they were wearing a literal cloak.

Lir followed Cal up a slate flagstone path canopied by Japanese maples and weeping cherry trees. He imagined it would be pleasantly shaded during the daytime, but it was unfortunately rather sinister in the dark. At least the path was lined with footlights - it was better than complete darkness, although it gave their surroundings an eerie underglow. The lights looked like tiny flickering candles, but on second glance appeared suspiciously electric.

“Pray tell me more about yourself,” Cal invited, their cloak billowing out behind them dramatically as they leapt up a curving set of slate steps onto a porch that was bigger than Lir’s entire apartment. “Natation instruction is an intimate experience and I would like to know you profoundly before we begin.”

“Um,” Lir said eloquently, tripping over the bottom step. It was pretty dark, he defended himself mentally. “My name is Lir?” he offered, wondering why it came out sounding like a question.

“I know,” Cal said serenely as they stroked a potted fern on the porch railing. “I can read, in fact.”

“Right,” Lir agreed hastily. “Yeah. Of course you can. That makes sense. That’s... good.” Maybe it would be a _good_ thing if Cal murdered him now and put him out of the misery of social awkwardness. “Okay. Um. I’m from… the east,” he said. He’d been planning on saying Virginia, but then decided it wasn’t a great idea to tell this strange person much about his past - even though he wasn’t likely to go back and reconnect with his family anytime soon, if he ever did. So then he’d decided to say the east coast, but that made it sound too obvious that he was guarded about giving away personal information. So he’d settled on “the east” out of panic, hoping that being incredibly vague would make him seem mysterious rather than curt and rude.

“The East,” Cal repeated, and Lir could almost hear their frown and could definitely hear the capitalization of the E.

“I mean - Virginia,” Lir stammered, not wanting to be misinterpreted. “You know. East coast.” So much for protecting his personal details. “And now I live… here. Well. Not like, here. In this… house. But out here.” He waved his hand at the dark mountain forest that surrounded the mansion. “I mean in Colorado. Not the woods.”

“I need not know the details of from whence you came,” Cal told him as they took a phone out of their pocket and started texting away. Lir was taken aback by both the apparent statement of disinterest (hadn’t they just asked him about himself, after all?) and the incongruity of the latest model of the Pixel and the Tolkien-esque cloak. “Our pasts matter not here. I want to know you,” they continued emphatically. It immediately became apparent that they had not in fact been texting, but typing in a keycode to open the mansion’s front door. “I desire to know the things you are fondest of. Your fears most great. Your deepest and darkest aspirations.” They touched their index finger to a scanner by the door and it flashed blue and swung open. “Do you enjoy immersing yourself in literature? Climbing snow-capped peaks to their summits? Drinking fine teas under the stars? You must tell me everything.”

“I--” Lir’s train of thought, already erratic when the Pixel phone had come out derailed to a complete stop as the door completely swung open. Up a short staircase, the grandest house he had ever seen lay waiting for him to step in and sully it with his poverty. At least, that’s what it felt like. 

A sudden wave of shame surged from his heart to his fingertips. He shouldn’t be here. He had lied to get here because he was desperate, but now the reality of his mistake was staring back at him. He didn’t belong in this place, in a manor that, in spite of the dead wisterias, cost more than his entire existence.

Resolve followed as quickly as the shame had. There was nothing else for it - Lir would have to tell Cal that he had made an error of judgment and explain that he couldn’t even swim. He opened his mouth to do just that when his stomach yawned and let out its inner lion by letting loose a loud growl. Oatmeal could only go so far, especially in stressful situations.

Cal’s face, which had begun to take on an impatient look at Lir’s extended silence, melted into concern. “Oh dear, do forgive my rude self! But of course you would be unable to speak with a clear mind when your stomach is clear of food! Follow me to the kitchens. Dave!”


	7. In which Lir meets Dave

As if literally everything else hadn’t been enough, an actual _butler_ came down the sweeping spiral staircase in response to Cal’s call. Granted, they at least weren’t old and balding, and their name wasn’t Albert, but still. They were wearing a black suit and everything. And it was _four in the morning._

“Dave, if you would be so kind as to prepare a light meal for my newly appointed instructor,” Cal murmured. The butler nodded and turned away, presumably to head to the kitchens.

This broke Lir out of his trance. “Wait!” he called desperately before Dave faded from view. He broke away from Cal, who was too surprised by the fastest movement they had seen him engage in thus far to stop him.

Was Dave a track runner or something? As Lir dashed down the hallway in hot pursuit, he only ever caught sight of a black coattail, the sole indication that he was running the right way. 

When he finally managed to grab the back of Dave’s jacket, it took Lir a moment to realize that they had come to a stop in the kitchens and he had a fistful of expensive fabric and a weirded out face staring at him. He quickly let go and backed off to give Dave some room, breathing heavily from the unaccustomed exertion of sprinting. He began to speak, vaguely aware of a wide-eyed Cal briskly entering the room and stopping at the sight of the two of them.

“Wait…*hack*....Dave...you can’t..._ohgodI’mdying_...make me just anything…” Lir coughed some more and breathed deeply. At this point, Dave looked even more weirded out than before and seemed to be trying to communicate something to Cal with just their eyes. “I...I have celiac disease!”

Strangely enough, this announcement seemed to relax Dave (and Cal?) significantly. Dave stepped forward, putting a firm hand on Lir’s shoulder. “Dude, relax,” they soothed. “Is that all you were freaking out over? Man, I was worried you were wanting to murder me or something! Showing up at four in the morning to give a freaking swimming lesson when it snowed last week.”

Lir’s head came up in incredulity. “You thought _I_ was going to murder you? How could you even come to that conclusion? Obviously _this_ person--” he thrust a hand and gestured at Cal in their cloak “--would be the murderer here, they’ve got the whole Dracula vibe going already!” 

Belatedly, Lir realized that he maybe should not insult someone who might or might not be a murderer. 

“I - but - I didn’t tell you my pronouns,” Cal said, their voice quiet and uncertain, with none of their earlier grandioseness. “How - how did you - ”

“Oh. Well, I didn’t want to assume. I’m sorry I didn’t ask,” Lir said, abashed. He’d meant to ask earlier but he’d been rather distracted by his nervousness. Besides, it had been dark outside, and guessing genders was risky enough in the daylight. Lir always liked to ask first (and liked it when others asked him too), but in a pinch he defaulted to gender neutral pronouns. And Cal definitely gave off an androgynous vibe.

“No, it’s… fine,” Cal said hesitantly. “I do use they/them pronouns. And… what about you?”

“Oh. He/him,” Lir said, somehow not fully prepared for this exchange, which he only ever anticipated at the LGBT center’s sponsored events.

“My pronouns are also he/him,” Dave announced cheerfully. “Do you like hash browns?”

“I - sure?” Lir said weakly. He’d never had hash browns before that he could remember, but he knew they were made of potatoes, and potatoes were safe. And delicious.

“Awesome, dude! Now can you two, like, get out of my kitchen?” It was the friendliest scolding Lir had ever received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you love Dave


	8. In which Lir goes on a tour and reads some Terms and Conditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the content you all have been waiting for: HASHBROWNS!!

“I’ll continue to escort you about the premises,” Cal announced airily, their earlier uncertainty vanished. “Now that you’ve been acquainted with the ground level kitchens, let us browse the dining lounge.”

_Ground floor kitchens?_ Lir thought in a daze as he followed Cal up some stairs and down a flickering hallway lit with electric torches. The lighting suited Cal’s sweeping cloak. Were there more kitchens on other floors? He wondered uneasily. And what was a _dining lounge?_ At least that last one sounded like nothing more than a fancy dining room.

How very wrong he was.

The _dining lounge_ was in fact essentially half of the entire floor. At the end of the hallway a half-set of steps led to a square space with entirely windowed walls. An elegant wooden table with a glossy finish filled the space; it looked like it could sit twenty people at least. The room was edged with exotic orchids and trailing ferns, and the glass walls were lined with real flame-bearing torches, though they were extinguished at the moment. A crystal chandelier hung above the table. Lir couldn’t tell if it was electric or intended to hold real candles, but he found it mindblowingly extravagant either way.

“Feel free to admire the imported rainforest flowers,” Cal invited him. “We shan’t spend overly much time in this particular lounge, as it is intended for much more expansive social engagements, and not natation.”

On a different day, under different circumstances, Lir might have been interested in admiring the “imported rainforest flowers”. At this particular moment, however, he was more interested in certain other things, such as breakfast, not being murdered, and not drowning. He was feeling pretty confident now that Cal was (mostly) harmless, but he also wasn’t exactly feeling comfortable. Still, he didn’t want to be rude, so he went to sniff at the closest orchid, which was not particularly enrapturing since it was still too dark to see much of anything. He sneezed.

“They tend to die if you touch them with your naked skin,” Cal advised him, though they didn’t seem overly invested in whether or not Lir chose to test this statement. “Occasionally they fail to die, ever, and we are obliged to request the services of professionals experienced in zombie orchid extermination. Shall we continue?”

It was a testament to how weird the day had already been that Lir did not bat an eye at this statement.

Lir followed them back down the stairs and into the ornate maze that comprised the rest of the mansion, trying to keep track of all the twists and turns as they visited elaborate room after elaborate room. How had Theseus made it through the Minotaur’s Labyrinth? Had he marked the walls with chalk, or unspooled thread behind him? Lir would have been happy with either. Maybe Cal had a copy of the blueprints somewhere. Otherwise he was definitely going to get lost.

“And here is the room where you will be staying,” Cal announced after what felt like hours, though it couldn’t have been quite so long, as it was still velvety black outside the windows. This room was perhaps the most lavish one yet, and Cal actually remembered to turn on the lights this time, which made it all the more impressive.

The luscious, hunter green bedspreads on the enormous bed caught Lir’s eyes first. Then he had to confront the absolutely unnecessary size of the bed, which was big enough for two divorcees to comfortably sleep without having to worry about ever encountering the other person. From there, his eyes skipped over rich mahogany bedside tables and wardrobes, over ornate Persian rugs, even over the literal fireplace in the room, and landed on a spacious window seat lined with plump, verdant cushions. On the adjacent wall, French doors led out to a small balcony overlooking the gorgeous mountain view - rather, it would once there was light outside.

“Well? Does my abode suit your standards?” inquired Cal. 

“Yeah,” breathed Lir, still gazing dreamily at the window seat and French doors. “Definitely.”

At that moment, the sound of a tinkling bell wafted through the open door. Cal turned and began to walk out of the room “Excellent. Let us adjourn to the kitchens. You may break fast with Dave’s delectable victuals while we discuss the terms of your employment.”

Lir suddenly remembered his earlier resolve to break the contract. Window seat on the mountains or no, he didn’t know how to swim and couldn’t actually fulfill this person’s requirements. Why did his conscience have to be so loud when he desperately needed this income? Ugh.

As the two of them made their way to the ground-floor kitchen, the delicious scent of fried _something_ grew stronger and stronger. By the time Lir once again set foot in the vast kitchens, he was fighting to keep his drool from actually leaving his mouth. 

Lir hadn’t actually taken in the kitchens before, so he took the moment when Cal was talking to Dave to observe his surroundings. A spacious island topped with marble dominated the center, fiercely lit by overhead lamps that cast the rest of the space in shadow. There were cushy-looking barstools on one side while Dave stood on the other side between the island and the expansive cooktop, washing dishes at the sink. On the island itself, an opulent plate held a steaming pile of golden brown that smelled absolutely divine. There was also a glass of water as well as what appeared to be thin, clear orange juice. What surprised Lir most, though, was the plate next to it beautifully arranged with sliced strawberries, blueberries, and green grapes. He looked up at Dave questioningly. 

The other man returned his gaze with a kind smile. “It’s not good to start your day with just grease and starch and fat, man. You need some nutrients to keep going! Plus, it looks like you could use some sweetness because dude. You’re definitely not going to get it from Cal.”

The person in question looked scandalized at Dave’s cheek. “Dave, it would behoove you to remember the situation in which we find ourselves! Namely, that I am your employer!” 

“Sure, sure,” Dave relented. “Anyway, I’m dipping out. Give a shout if you need anything.” With a smile and a wave, he was gone.

“Now,” Cal pulled out a barstool and plopped down into it, gesturing for Lir to do the same (he pretended that his own need to clamber up into the chair was as carelessly graceful as Cal’s). “To business!” They lifted a glass filled to the brim with thick red liquid that Lir hadn’t seen until that moment and downed the whole thing in one gulp.

Lir sipped at his own glass much more slowly, marvelling at the light, sweet taste that refreshed him and made him feel as if he might actually have enough energy to deal with what was either a very enthusiastic vampire or a completely ridiculous human.

As Lir began the important task of clearing his plate, Cal withdrew a folded paper from somewhere within the voluminous folds of their cloak. They were polite enough to make (weird) small talk while Lir discovered that he _really liked hashbrowns_ and also inhaled the fruits. Their succulent juices had him feeling like the vampire. It had been so long since Lir was able to bite into a fresh, ripe fruit and feel the refreshing burst of juice on his tongue. Once he had finished and was wiping his mouth, Cal slid the paper across the table.

It read:  
“Greetings to the newest employee of the Lê Estate! I have the pleasure of welcoming you to the position of ** Natation Instructor **. As a valued member of the household, you will be expected to  convey your knowledge of strokes and movement through fluid to the master of the house . You can expect to be reimbursed for your time and efforts at a rate of  $3,000 per lesson . During your time in our employ, you are to live on the premises of  Wisteria Manor  and will take meals and conduct all business from within its glorious walls. Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to inquire the head staff,  Dave Wellspring , or the master of the current property,  Cal Q. Lê . 

You may:

  * Leave the premises (with permission from the master of the current property only)
  * Request any needed materials for your position from the head staff OR the master of the current property
  * Request specific dietary necessities from the cook ( Dave Wellspring )

You may **_not_**:

  * Leave without permission
  * Consort with any members of the household
  * Break the terms of this contract without approval from the master of the current property”

Lir looked up as he finished reading, prompting Cal to ask eagerly, “Do you find the terms of our arrangement agreeable?”

Lir gulped as he looked back down at the paper. $3,000 _per lesson_. He would only have to give one lesson to pay his debts and get back on his feet. Two or three lessons and he could build enough of a safety net to move where the jobs were more plentiful and less transphobic. If he could get to five lessons, he could separate from his parents’ medical insurance completely, freeing him from his last obligation to them.

And the terms of the contract never actually specified that he had to teach _effectively_. ‘Convey your knowledge of strokes and movement through fluid to the master of the house’ only implied that he had to teach whatever he knew, and given that he didn’t know much...well. He could definitely get through at least one lesson before anyone caught on that he had no idea what in tarnation he was doing. In the meantime...there was always YouTube.

With his conscience desperately trying to keep the words tethered in his mouth, Lir managed to let out a strangled “I’ll do it” before succumbing to a sudden coughing fit. Curse his stupid morals making him feel bad about doing what he had to to survive!

Cal cracked a very small smile, and Lir realized it was the first that he had actually seen on that smooth face throughout this very strange morning.


	9. In which Lir greets The Very Large and Long Swimming Pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME TO THE VERY LARGE AND LONG SWIMMING POOL

“Magnificent. Now, I believe it is time we visited the Very Large and Long Swimming Pool,” Cal announced serenely. Lir gulped. He was still reeling from their terms and conditions conversation and he’d been so distracted by the grandiosity of the mansion that he’d forgotten about this crucial detail.

He followed Cal through an unfamiliar hallway, unsure if it was unfamiliar because he was still new to the place, or because they hadn’t come this way before. It ended in a glassed in tile-floored alcove similar to the dining lounge but much smaller and furnished with well-laden towel stands and a variety of neatly arranged pieces of pool equipment. Lir didn’t recognize any of them and couldn’t tell if they were for water exercises, pool cleaning, aquatic entertainment, or all three, and he vowed to do a surreptitious Google search once he’d worked up the nerve to ask for the wi-fi password. Dismayingly, he had no cell service this high up in the mountains. He snuck his phone out of his pocket just to check and make sure he hadn’t connected to some lonely mountain-dwelling cell tower, but no luck. He was surprised to see it was already 5:29 AM.

Gray pre-dawn light was just visible silhouetting the treeline beyond the window, but it was still too dark to see much else. “We musn’t delay,” Cal said with a hint of something - impatience? Anticipation? - before they threw the glass doors open and strode out into the misty early morning. Lir guiltily crammed his phone back in his pocket and followed them outside, not noticing the step leading down to what was presumably the poolside. He flew down the step less than gracefully and might have continued on his downward trajectory if Cal hadn’t grabbed his arm and held on until he was fully balanced. He was glad it was dark, because his face was hot and he was pretty sure he was blushing watermelon red. His skin didn’t do anything in between.

“Here we are at last,” Cal said with relish. “The Very Large and Long Swimming Pool.” They waved their hands in a sweeping gesture and a set of amber ground lights leapt to life just as the sun crept higher on the horizon, giving Lir a spectacular view of a long rectangular… something. But where was the water? No sooner had he thought this than there was a faint electronic whirring sound and the rectangle began to recede. Lir realized that he had been looking at a pool cover, which was now automatically scrolling itself up, revealing a beautiful pool that looked more like a decorative fountain than a swimming pool. As if reading his mind, jets of water sprang to life at the far end and arced across the pool, making the surface ripple and refract the light like dark crystal.

It was so resplendent that Lir wondered for the first time what Cal did that made so much money.

“Well?” Cal said eagerly, watching Lir for his reaction.

“It’s…” Lir struggled to find a word that would be appreciated by someone with Cal’s peculiar vocabulary. “Spectacular.”

“Indeed it is,” Cal agreed, beaming. “I have yearned for far too long to be able to enjoy its offerings, and at last my desires will be fulfilled.”

Lir was still taking in his surroundings. Sunrise was approaching rapidly now, and he was beginning to be able to make out more details. The reddish stone paving of the poolside area reminded him of how he had always imagined the Water Gardens of Dorne in Game of Thrones. The sunning chairs and glass tables looked like something out of the Better Homes and Gardens magazines his mom always liked to read. Ceramic pots big enough to fit him inside (not that this was saying much) were scattered artfully around the pool edges, spilling over with flowers and decorative vines. It looked like paradise.

Lir felt a sudden resolve. Maybe he wasn’t a good swimmer yet - but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be a good instructor. Or that he couldn’t pass as one while buying himself time to actually learn how to swim.

“Did you think we would be getting in the water on the first day?” he scoffed. “You said yourself that natation is an intimate art, and we hardly know each other at all. But more importantly than that, natation requires strength and discipline. It is an art of the body that necessitates balance through your core and a singular focus of mind.” He was pretty sure he’d just plagiarized a YouTube video but somehow he doubted anyone would ever find out. “I don’t want to see you put so much as a single pinky toe under the water until you prove to me you’ve mastered these elements.”

“Dude that sounds like Avatar stuff,” Dave said appreciatively. Lir wondered how long he had been standing there.

“I appreciate the thought but your commentary is unnecessary,” Lir said as sternly as he could, though he privately agreed.

“If we’re not meant to enter the water today,” Cal broke in, “then what do you have on your agenda?”

“I think we’ll start with running laps,” Lir said with a smug smile.


	10. In which Lir respects physical exertion and wonders if Dave is single

It turned out that physical exertion was a lot more fun when Lir was watching other people do it. Dave, excited about the prospect of any form of exercise, had decided to tag along - which really meant he was lapping Cal every few minutes while Lir yelled vaguely insulting morale-building phrases in their direction. They’d set up on the mansion’s front lawn, where a crushed gravel path wound through a few planted cherry and apple trees that gave the impression of a British park. Lir estimated that six laps roughly equated a mile. He sipped his iced tangerine lemonade through a straw and settled more comfortably into his adirondack chair, which was thoughtfully nestled under the shade of sugar maple. The shade was a blessing because Lir, a rare and elusive natural redhead, was prone to sunburn after approximately two minutes of sun exposure, and he hated applying sunscreen.

Meanwhile, the sunlight allowed Lir to observe Cal. They had whisked back into the house to change and when they had emerged, the cloak had been replaced by a black knee-length skirt over long black leggings topped with a loose, powder blue long-sleeved shirt. Lir was a bit surprised at the full coverage. Given the cloak, though, he supposed Cal just liked long swishy clothes. They were quite tall, towering over Lir’s own 5 feet and 4 inches. In the daylight, Lir could finally make out their facial features clearly. The shoulder-length hair that he had thought black actually blazed brown in direct sun, framing a long face with a tall nose and full lips. Their eyes shone darkly as ever, full of mysteries that Lir was itching to solve. 

At that moment, the person in question slow-motion bounded up to Lir and panted, “I must...insist that you...cease this...I fear I...may perish…” With that, they collapsed onto their hands and knees, chest heaving. Miraculously, they didn’t appear to be sweating beyond a light sheen, and their face was beautiful even in exhaustion.

“Aww, that’s it?” Dave whined, jogging in place. “I guess we’ve all got to start somewhere. I’ll get started on like, some stew or something. You got to keep your strength up dude.” With that, he jogged away to the ground floor kitchens.

Eventually Cal regained their breath enough to get to their feet and toddle off towards their rooms. Lir followed silently behind, his earlier confidence subdued by his complete lack of direction in the mansion. Now that his short-lived moment of power was over, he was unsure what to do with the rest of his day. It was barely 10am after all.

Cal motioned for Lir to follow them and deposited him outside of his room. “Dave would not tolerate us in his domain if we were unclean,” they advised. “After you complete your ablutions, I oblige you to learn the ways of the manor. It would not do to get lost. Elsewise, you may end up in the dungeons with only the resident ghosts to keep you company.” 

Lir didn’t even know how to begin to respond to that or to Cal’s continued stare into his eyes. Luckily, he didn’t have to, as Cal abruptly turned with a swish of their skirt and disappeared into their own rooms. 

On entering his rooms, Lir discovered that the shower was as extravagant as the rest of the house. There were two nozzles in front, two aimed inwards from the sides, and a removable showerhead in back. The water temperature and pressure was divine after months of short sprays of cold water as Lir attempted to cut down on his water bill. He blow-dried his bright red curls just for the joy of preening and then emerged from his room in a soft green sweater and a pair of dark red jeans.

He explored the top floor, avoiding the one across from his that Cal had disappeared into earlier, then ventured downstairs and trekked across those vast expanses as well. By the time he found his way to the ground floor kitchens, whatever Dave had cooked had Lir about to get on one knee and propose to the man then and there. 

“Hey dude!” Dave’s friendly smile had Lir grinning in return. “Hope you like red lentil and tofu curry. I’ve also got some rad basmati rice in the cooker. And don’t tell the authenticity police, but I also put in some roasted broccoli and carrots to add in some veg.” He winked as he added this last comment, but the description of the food itself was more than enough to make Lir swoon.

Lir almost asked if Dave was single, but refrained because 1) he was a coward, 2) he was 99.9% sure Dave was straight, and 3) he was pretty sure there was something in the contract about not consorting with other members of the household. Besides, he felt that Dave’s surfer slang would get on his nerves after about five minutes. It was fine in casual friendly conversations, but imagining anything more intimate had Lir biting back the kind of laughter that would spew curry all over Dave’s pristine kitchen. Then again, Dave’s way of speaking paled in comparison to Cal’s… eclectic speech. He tried to imagine Cal involved in any kind of romance and almost spit out his rice as he imagined scenes from Pride and Prejudice or Romeo and Juliet with Cal saying their lines with the utmost perfection while also texting on their Pixel behind their back.

“Everything cool, dude?” Dave asked with some concern.

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine,” Lir coughed. “This is incredible, by the way.”

“Not too hot or anything?”

“No, it’s great.” He fell silent after that and sobered himself by thinking about his complete lack of swimming talent. His ability may have been laughable, but he didn’t feel like laughing about it at all at the moment, which was good because he really didn’t want to have food fall out of his mouth in front of Dave, or especially Cal.

Cal appeared at that moment, bringing with them a fresh wave of jasmine scent. Lir only knew what this smelled like because of the hours he spent in the candle store in his hometown as a kid smelling every single fragrance, which had endeared him to the staff and endlessly exasperated his parents.

“Ah, Dave, the aroma is delectable,” Cal announced as they helped themself to a bowl. For a moment Lir was confused and thought they were talking about their own shampoo, but he quickly realized they meant the curry, which did smell mouthwatering. _Delectable_. This was a good word. Lir would have to hold on to that one.

“So, Instructor Merriden - ”

“No,” Lir cut in, folding his arms imperiously. “Don’t call me that. Er, please. Intimate, remember?”

Cal stared at him. He realized now exactly how wrong that had come out, but the truth was, he didn’t like when people used his last name. It reminded him of his parents, and that still hurt too much. 

“Just Lir. Instructor Lir if you must.” Cal’s way of talking must have been rubbing off on him. Who even said “if you must” these days?

“Very well,” Cal said, and Lir wished he could tell what they were thinking. “Instructor Lir. What do you intend to do with me this afternoon?”

“Meditation,” Lir announced, proud of having come up with this idea in the shower. “You need to learn how to regulate your breathing.” This was also fortuitous for Lir because 1) all he would have to do was sit still and watch Cal, and 2) he actually knew a thing or two about meditation because Coral had dragged him to some meditation and yoga events after his therapist had recommended them for his anxiety. He’d easily be able to continue bluffing his way through the first day at the very least. Besides, he could do with some calming relaxation himself, considering the stressful situation he was in.

“Dude, can I join?” Dave asked hopefully, peering over at the two of them as he stacked dishes on the shelves.

Lir looked at Cal - this was their mansion and Dave was their employee, after all - but Cal was looking at him, and he realized both of them were waiting for _him_ to answer. He was the instructor, after all.

“I don’t see why not,” Lir assented. “But if you prove to be a distraction, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave so that Cal can meditate unhindered.” Why were they looking at him so oddly? He thought about what he’d said and blinked. Holy crap, Cal’s way of talking really was rubbing off on him.

He finished the rest of his meal in silence, listening absentmindedly as Dave managed to throw Cal for loops in their conversation. Oh what he would give to gain _that_ particular superpower…

When they had all finished eating, Dave loaded the dishwasher (when Lir inquired “Why didn’t you do these by hand?” he was met with Dave’s impassioned response of “It’s way cooler to save water man! We all gotta do our part to save the Earth!”) and Lir followed as he and Cal led the way. He learned that there was an entire third floor that Cal had not shown him, and that was because it was only accessible by elevator and the other half (half of the entire floor of an entire _mansion_) was Cal’s master bedroom.


	11. In which Lir finds a Croissant in the Third Floor Gym and learns a healthy respect for pool nets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What, you DON'T have a gym on the third floor of your house?

They exited the elevator into a literal gym, complete with a mirrored wall and more exercise equipment than Lir had known existed. He spied some rolled-up mats in the corner and purposefully strode over to them; however, his cool action was waylaid when his foot caught on the edge of the weight machine and he stumbled, though at least he managed to right himself before faceplanting. Triumphantly, he pulled at one of the mats. Unfortunately, the mats appeared to be the only thing supporting the collection of rope and blocks next to them and the whole mess tumbled forth and spread across the floor as if a toddler had had a tantrum in a toy store.

Cheeks heating, Lir went to clean up the mess. Cal and Dave also stepped forward to help, and Lir was grateful that his employer, despite employing a butler, was not the type to stand back and let others do menial tasks for them.

A tiny mew sounded from the pile, and Lir froze.

“Oh my dear stars,” Cal crooned, crouching and digging through the blocks with more purpose. Lir would have marveled at the change in their tone of voice but was more concerned with what could have made the sound.

His fears were confirmed when Cal pulled out a squirming ball of orange fluff from the blocks. “Croissant, dearest, did we disturb your rest? Do forgive us, we were just momentarily active and the room will shortly return to quiescence. It will take but a moment.”

Lir barely heard Cal’s words over the sound of his own pounding heartbeat. A cat. Cal had a cat. Cal had a creature that possessed _claws_ and _curiosity_, the combination of which had led to a traumatizing event when a four-year old Lir had encountered a stray cat but didn’t know proper etiquette. Even though he was older and wiser now, he still trembled at the sight of any cat, and the light scars on his cheek and arms seemed to tingle warningly.

“Hey dude, you doing okay?” a concerned Dave asked, laying a hand on Lir’s arm. He spasmed in shock and began gasping.

Dave’s concern went from mild to mighty in 0.2 seconds. “Cal! Dude! Give the swim teacher some space, I think he’s having a panic attack. Lir, I’m gonna need you to breathe for me. Deep breaths man, come on.”

Cal looked up from stroking the cat and backed away immediately upon seeing Lir’s stricken expression. Lir took comfort in the distance from the animal and tried to focus on Dave’s instructions.

After his breathing had gone back to normal (well, as close to normal as it could get) and his panic had subsided, Lir felt a prickle of shame. It wasn’t that he _hated_ cats, and it wasn’t like he _wanted_ to be afraid of them. He just couldn’t help it. It was so much better if he could just avoid them entirely. But it looked like that was going to be impossible here at Wisteria Manor. His only hope was that the place was so huge that his chances of crossing paths with Croissant again were slim.

“Dude, you want to talk about it?” Dave asked gently. His arm was still comfortingly grasping Lir’s upper arm.

“I… I’m sorry,” Lir said weakly, noticing that Cal was nowhere to be seen. He’d lost track of his surroundings for a moment there; Cal must have taken Croissant elsewhere. He felt another flutter of panic and wondered if this would be a dealbreaker, if Cal would ask him to leave. Maybe it would be better for all of them that way.

“Hey, man, you don’t have to apologize.”

“But it’s silly. It’s silly to be afraid of cats when I’m ten times bigger than they are.”

“Look, dude, you’re also probably like, a thousand times bigger than a black widow spider. But you better not mess around with those little fellas. Size doesn’t mean anything.”

Lir was grateful for Dave’s understanding. “I was attacked by a stray cat when I was a kid. It was probably my fault, in hindsight, but I… I didn’t understand what was happening. And then the scratches got infected afterwards and I had to spend all this time in different doctor’s offices while they put stuff on my face and gave me antibiotics and stuff. And then I had an allergic reaction to the penicillin, and I got really bad hives and had to go to the hospital and - I’m sorry, you don’t need to know any of this. Basically it was… a nightmare.”

“No kidding,” Dave said as he helped Lir get to his feet (he didn’t remember crouching down - had Dave helped him get in that position, or had he just collapsed?). “If it makes you feel any better, Cal’s cats are the bomb. They’re the sweetest little fluff balls I’ve ever met, wouldn’t hurt a fly. Well, I take it back, they probably _would_ eat flies if they could catch them. But they won’t bother you if you don’t bother them.”

“It’s like, I _know_ this, rationally, in my mind,” Lir said as he drank a gulp of water from the bottle that Dave seemed to have procured out of thin air. “But even the sight of cats makes me uneasy. I wish I had better control over it.”

“Hey now. We all have weird things that set us off, nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Indeed. Dave is deathly afraid of pool nets,” Cal announced, making Lir jump - how on _earth_ did they keep appearing so suddenly and silently like that? “And I am no stranger to anxiety attacks myself.” Lir wondered what kinds of things Cal was afraid of. _Small houses, probably,_ Lir thought with amusement. “In any case, perhaps we might sit by the window while you catch your breath? The view is quite phenomenal. And I’ve sequestered Croissant and the others in my sleeping quarters, you need not fear being disturbed again.”

_The others?_ Lir thought queasily, but didn’t ask just how many others there were, and instead followed Cal over to the huge window, where they sat on a gym mat and began to tell Lir about all of the mountain peaks visible out the window, with Dave chiming in with statistics about which mountains were best for skiing, backpacking, and bouldering.

Even after Dave and Cal managed to calm him down, Lir was still shaken. His speech was stuttering, his brain tired from the energy it had expended on going into emotional overdrive.

Cal clapped their hands together. “Right then,” they commented. “We set off on our collective journey to the Third Floor Gym to practice meditation, and it would appear that Instructor Lir would benefit well from a return to the original plan of action. Let us begin.”

They then closed their eyes and began that inhale-hold-exhale pattern of meditation, counting softly aloud in such a way that Lir couldn’t help but follow their lead. He noted that they did not appear at all fidgety and seemed very used to the practice.

Dave leaned in. “Their family is Vietnamese Buddhist,” he explained in a murmur. “Cal’s been practicing meditation since they were like, five.” He settled back into a comfortable cross-legged position and began his own meditation.

So much for Lir teaching Cal anything, he thought dully. A part of him actually wanted to ask Cal for some pointers, but that didn’t seem very instructorly, so he closed his eyes and joined in with the breathing exercises instead. After a while he decided it was actually pretty nice, sitting in a warm ray of afternoon sunlight, which felt warm on his cheeks and made him sleepy to the point where he had to shake himself out of a doze several times. He really hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep the night before. When the last rays of sunlight faded behind the mountain, he decided it was time for something else. Specifically, more food.

“It seems that you have quite mastered the art of balanced, regular breathing,” Lir announced, opening his eyes to find Cal blinking back at him. “However, I expect you to continue practicing meditation every day to ensure that you are adequately prepared for the demands of natation.”

“Duly noted,” Cal said, and Lir thought he saw a glimmer of amusement in their eyes. But maybe it was just his imagination.

“Dude, is anyone else, like, really hungry?” Dave asked, stretching and yawning impressively. “Cause I’m like, _so_ ready for dinner.”

“Well, Instructor Lir? Do you have anything else on the agenda for today?” Cal was definitely smiling now… weren’t they? Lir wished he could know for sure.

“I do,” Lir said with what he hoped was a mysterious smile. “But it can certainly wait until after dinner.”

“What, pray tell, is your next assignment?” Cal steepled their hands under their chin, watching him with what seemed like aloof interest.

“Next, we will watch and learn from the true masters of natation. I believe the theater we toured earlier will suffice for this activity.” He really was getting the hang of talking like Cal, he thought smugly.

“Omg, are we going to watch YouTube videos of Olympic swimmers?” Dave asked excitedly.

“Not quite,” Lir said cryptically.

“Oh wait, I’ve got it! Please, please, please say we’re going to watch videos of sea otters,” Dave begged; Lir had never seen someone so close to having actual anime heart eyes before.

“Sea otters and more,” Lir affirmed. “Becoming familiar with the movements of natural swimmers is critical for undertaking the fine and nuanced art of natation in our limited human bodies.”

“Yes!!” Dave cried, practically dancing out of the room, presumably to go and start dinner as fast as possible so that they could all start watching videos sooner. “You’re like, the best teacher ever, dude.”

Lir wasn’t sure what to do once Dave had left. He was now sitting on the gym floor, arms looped around his knees, and he had no other task to distract him from being alone in a room with the most attractive person he had ever seen in his life. He didn’t quite know how to interpret how beautiful he found them. His past crushes had all been conventionally masculine. Now, though, he found himself wanting to stare and stare and _stare_ at Cal, drinking in the angles of their face offset by the softness of their black hair and full lips. It felt like every time he looked at them, he found something new that he hadn’t noticed before. As he watched, Cal fingered the edge of their clothes, and Lir appreciated that their nails were painted a bright cheery peach.

“Do you require something? Perhaps you desire to imbibe something among our vast collection of potables?” Even Cal seemed to be susceptible to filling drawn-out silences with words. Lir was relieved at the question, since the only conversation topics he could think of involved asking permission to drown in Cal’s deep brown eyes. His continued stare prompted Cal to add, “I am sure Dave will not tarry in preparing our comestibles - the stomach is a wondrous beast, and Dave’s is more so than others. I have no doubt that he shall expedite the preparation process and yet produce a fare most delicious.”

Aha, something Lir could comment on! “Yes!” he cried, shocking Cal slightly with the exuberance of his answer. He smiled dreamily, gaze turning upward as he thought about the subject of his affections. “Dave. My god, what a beautiful man.” He opened his mouth to continue extolling the virtues of Dave’s cooking, but the dark expression on Cal’s face arrested any further speech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can anyone guess what's got Cal all worked up?
> 
> Secondly: etiquette for handling cats, or catiquette, as some might say-


	12. In which Lir no longer wonders if Dave is single

_Aha, something Lir could comment on!_ “Yes!” he cried, shocking Cal slightly with the exuberance of his answer. He smiled dreamily, gaze turning upward as he thought about the subject of his affections. “Dave. My god, what a beautiful man.” He opened his mouth to continue extolling the virtues of Dave’s cooking, but the dark expression on Cal’s face arrested any further speech. 

“I do believe,” Cal began, voice low and each syllable enunciated as sharply as an injection, “that the contract expressly forbids consortion of any kind among staff and instructors, does it not?” They stood, advancing on Lir’s frozen form, each step filled with intent. Their lean form was not threatening, but combined with the focused stare fixed on Lir’s face, he found Cal more than a little intimidating. “Violating any one of those clauses is grounds for termination of employment, _is it not?”_

Cal was now crouched, face almost nose to nose with Lir who remained frozen in his hunched position on the floor. The little air between them was charged and crackling with energy, so much so that he found it hard to breathe. Lir’s eyes were helplessly locked on Cal’s as his heart raced and his brain scrambled to figure out what had provoked this reaction from Cal. He decided to start by answering their questions.

“Yes, of course!” he squeaked. “Completely understood. No consorting, no leaving without telling you, and if I have any needs for Dave’s beautiful cooking, I just let him know.”

Oddly enough, the comment about Dave’s kitchen prowess seemed to melt Cal from tense to perplexed. “You were speaking of the beauty of Dave’s… meal preparations?”

“Yeah,” Lir affirmed. “The hashbrowns and fruit bowl? And let’s not forget that gorgeous curry at lunch. The way the steam of the rice met with the golden brown crisp of the tofu and the hearty red lentils, and holy potato that creamy coconut curry sauce bringing everything together! It was like something out of a TV show. In fact, I kind of feel like I am on a TV show given h--” Lir stopped himself from finishing with his thought of _how weird everything has been around here._

Cal had relaxed fully as Lir gushed and now had that maybe-smile on their face again. “Yes, Dave is quite extraordinary in everything he does. It would be most _unfortunate_ if anyone were to approach him whilst under the binds of the employment contract. Speaking of his culinary mastery, let us adjourn to the kitchens and pester him with our growling bellies.” If Lir didn’t know better, he would have thought that Cal was smirking as he said this last sentence. He stood and followed Cal’s sweeping gait, trotting slightly to keep up with their long strides.

The reasoning behind Cal’s ferocious warning hit Lir around the second floor grand staircase: obviously, _Dave must be Cal’s boyfriend!_ It would explain his employer’s protectiveness as well as how close the two seemed to be. Satisfied with his conclusion, Lir let his mind set the jealousy episode aside and wondered what delectables Dave might be concocting.

Dinner turned out to be an assortment of roasted vegetables, namely brussels sprouts and bell peppers, that were practically drenched with the most deliciously nutty, garlicky pesto Lir had ever tasted, mixed through with firm white beans and a grain he didn’t recognize. Dave was delighted to be asked about the ingredients and regaled them for the entirety of the meal by extolling the virtues of buckwheat, which was apparently technically a seed, not a grain.

Lir kept glancing between Dave and Cal as they talked, looking for more clues about their relationship and trying not to feel wistful of the comfortableness they shared with each other. It seemed like Dave laughed at every other thing Cal said, and Cal always had a smile ready in return, though there was still something quiet and almost reserved about it, like they were smiling for Dave’s benefit instead of smiling because they simply felt like it. It got Lir thinking about how he had yet to see Cal laugh. What made them so serious, so intense? Did they ever relax? It would be interesting to see what effect watching YouTube videos of cute marine mammals would have on their composure.

After dinner had been cleared away, Lir led the way to the theater. Or at least, he attempted to lead the way, but got so lost in the process that Cal insisted on taking over with a small sigh. Dave patted Lir on the back in an encouraging sort of way.

“You’ll get the hang of it, dude, don’t worry,” he said sympathetically. “It took me at least a week. Man, I _still_ get lost sometimes.” Lir doubted this, but appreciated his words nonetheless.

The theater was full of plush seats with comfy armrests complete with trays and cupholders for snacks and drinks. Dave surprised them with coconut based mint-chocolate milkshakes in diner style glasses and a platter of chilled chocolate-covered strawberries. Lir wasn’t sure how these items had gone unnoticed during the commute through the mansion and briefly wondered if Dave was in fact a wizard. He didn’t think it would bother him much if he was, and it certainly didn’t stop him from enjoying the desserts; it had been so long since he’d been able to afford to treat himself to something like this. He tried his best to ignore the guilt that flared up when he remembered why he was here, and focused instead on setting up a YouTube playlist of cute marine creatures.

Fiddling with the laptop prompted Lir to ask, “By the way, is there Wi-Fi here? If so, could I get the password?”

“Oh yes,” Cal piped up. “You must introduce your devices to the Very Large and Long Wireless Network - only then may you experience the pleasures of our velocious speed of connection. Dave is the sole keeper of the knowledge that conceals these speeds from the outside world. Dave, if you would, please?”

“Sure thing Cal-O! Alright my man, the password is ‘only4uduuuude’.”

Lir frowned in confusion. “Yes? I mean, I am the one who needs it.”

“Nah man, I mean that’s the password. The word ‘only,’ the number four, the letter ‘u,’ and then dude with four u’s!”

Lir allowed one teensy incredulous look at Dave before he dutifully typed the password into his phone and then set about connecting to the projector via Bluetooth (also with Dave’s help). It was surprisingly easily. Lir hastily started the first video before the other two could notice the column of recommended videos on the side, which included a few select titles such as “Top 10 Gay Moments in The Lord of the Rings,” “5 Tips on How to Bluff Your Way Through an Interview,” and “A Beginner’s Guide to Swimming: Part II.”

“Pay close attention to the way the otters move their bodies so gracefully through the water,” Lir instructed as one of the otters on screen had a splashy tantrum when their companion caught two treats in a row and didn’t share. Struck by a sudden inspiration, he added, “We’ll adjourn to the gym for a brief interpretive dance session when the video screening is over to help translate these beautiful natural methods of natation into our own unique movements.”


	13. In which Lir's first day winds down and Coral does Not call the police

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry Coral, we haven't forgotten you!

Cal interrupted unexpectedly, the corners of their mouth twitching. “Instructor Lir, while I am as eager as you to continue our forays into the deep and wondrously wet cavern of swimming knowledge, I must confess that I am weary from our initial explorations. Verily, I must insist on retiring from our duties for the night.”

Lir had to admit he was slightly disappointed. He had been looking forward to seeing what dance moves Dave and Cal might come up with. Now that he was pretty sure they were dating, he had settled on becoming the biggest cheerleader of their relationship. He hoped he would get to see them do something utterly romantic - if they held hands and kissed, he felt he might implode. The small traitorous part of his brain that was fascinated with Cal protested that he would implode for a different reason, but Lir quickly squashed that train of thought. He would just have to prevent any feelings from growing beyond what he feared was a massive crush. Crushes happened all the time with him; this one didn’t have to mean anything or lead to anything. And besides, feelings didn’t matter in the face of the obvious closeness that Dave and Cal shared, or potential _termination of employment._

“Very well,” Lir said. He was careful not to let any of his internal monologue bleed into his speech. “Do you have any other tasks you wish for me to undertake for today?”

“Perhaps we might engage in a selection of film? Or are there any other pastimes you would like to participate in?”

Lir’s thoughts immediately jumped to the baby grand piano in the front parlor. It had been a long time since he’d been able to play, not since his college days when he would snag a practice room in his scarce free time. When he was a child, he’d resented the biweekly lessons and daily practice that had kept him from his books. Now that he was far from his parents, he longed for the chance to engage in piano on his own terms.

“The piano in the parlor, is it playable?” he asked, voice tremulous. 

“Naturally,” Cal replied. “Are you skilled in the art of weaving music, then?”

“Oh, not really,” Lir could feel his cheeks blush under the scrutiny that Cal was now giving him as if they might be able to see musical talent if they tried hard enough. “I mean, I had lessons when I was a kid. But not recently. And I don’t have any sheets with me, so I wouldn’t be very much good, really… but if it would be okay, I’d like to use it from time to time?”

Cal had that look on their face again, the enigmatic one that made Lir feel like his very soul was being cradled in warm hands. “I would be much pleased if you would do so,” Cal said quietly. “Your happiness is vital to what I wish to accomplish.”

“Can you play the Hawaii Five-O theme?” Dave cried excitedly.

Just like that the air in the room suddenly returned, and Lir could breathe again.

The three of them trooped into the elevator to get to the front parlor. Having been up and down from the third floor several times, all by elevator, Lir finally thought to inquire why they didn’t just take the stairs.

“There are no public stairs to the third floor,” Cal responded. “Forsooth, the builders of the manor intended for the entirety of the floor to belong solely to the master of the house.”

“Yeah, it’s like, crazy how they designed it! The elevator is the only way to get up here without going through the private stairs in the master suite!” Dave exclaimed. “Though I suppose you could technically get up through the tower but… that wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Why not?” questioned Lir. 

“Ghosts,” replied Dave solemnly. And he wouldn’t say another word on the matter.

Cal and Dave then sat quite close together on the couch in the parlor while Lir settled into the bench and tried to think of what he knew how to play from memory. Out of the corner of his eye he spied Cal lean their head beseechingly against Dave’s shoulder until the man got up and began to braid their hair. By the time Lir had haltingly worked his way through warmups and the Lord of the Rings theme, Cal was sporting a braided updo and almost asleep in Dave’s arms.

Lir stood. “I find myself fatigued,” he said, unsure of why he was still adopting Cal’s manner of speaking despite not talking about swimming. “I would bid you both good night.” He turned, tripped over the leg of the piano bench, and rounded the corner. Luckily, he remembered that his quarters lay right next to the pool, which was visible through the doors directly to the left of the parlor. Only after he had safely ensconced himself in his own room, done his nightly routine, and slipped under the covers, did he allow himself to reflect on the first day of his new job.

Well. The day had had its ups and downs, quite literally, but overall, the fact that he had succeeded in bluffing his way through an entire sixteen hours of instructorship was an accomplishment that he couldn’t help feeling a bit pleased about. He had technically fulfilled the terms of the contract, hadn’t he? And now he had secured a minimum of $3,000. It was an incomprehensible sum. Perhaps he should just stop now. Quit while he was ahead. But if he could make it through one more day…

He felt a surge of guilt. Cal didn’t deserve to be deceived like this. Maybe $3,000 was nothing to them, but it was the principle of the thing. They deserved to have someone talented and actually qualified to help them make Use of their Very Large and Long Swimming Pool. During so many fleeting moments throughout the day Lir had convinced himself that he would come clean - and then he hadn’t. Did that make him a coward? A morally reprehensible master of deceit? Most likely, both. Although he wasn’t sure how much longer he could master the deceit.

He suddenly remembered that his phone was now connected to the internet and fished it out of his pocket from his puddle of clothes on the floor. He had ignored all of his notifications earlier, but now he saw he had 23 new messages from Coral, the most recent one from ten minutes ago. Bless her.

He would have called her, but he didn’t want to be overheard (he wouldn’t put it past the mansion to be embedded with secret cameras and microphones), so he skimmed through her texts, which cycled through the five phases of Concerned Friend: Casual Worry, Annoyance, Anger, Apology, and Panic, complete with a threat to call the police if he didn’t respond.

_Coral, I’m okay!!_ he texted quickly. The typing ellipsis sprung up under his message immediately. _I had a long day and didn’t get my phone connected to the internet until just now. Getting service up here in the mountains is about as manageable as finding a penguin in the desert._

Coral typed for a long time, before ultimately responding in all caps,_ SOME PENGUINS NEST IN DESERTS YOU FOOL, AND YOU WOULD KNOW THIS IF YOU WATCHED THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC VIDEOS I SENT YOU LIKE A GOOD FRIEND._

Lir laughed into his pillow and felt a surge of affection for her. He felt an odd sort of fragile tenderness at the thought that she had been so worried about him.

_Now that we’ve established you’re alive_ (here she inserted a variety of “not impressed” emojis), _tell me EVERYTHING._

So he did. Even though he was exhausted, even though he needed sleep almost as desperately as he needed to watch more swimming tutorials on YouTube, it was such an immense relief to pour out all of the strange, surreal events of the day, to spill out his worries about being the most obviously and spectacularly fake swimming instructor to ever take on the role.

_So basically I don’t know what I should do,_ he finished, sending off the last text and waiting for Coral’s wisdom, or at the very least, sympathy.

_So tell me more about Cal. On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive are they?_

Lir stared at the screen in utter indignation.

_I REFUSE to discuss this because 1) the contract explicitly forbids consorting with anyone in the household, which includes Cal, 2) Cal and Dave are clearly in a loving, fulfilling, monogamous relationship, 3) I don’t know what gave you the idea that I’m interested in them but I’m not so this conversation is pointless, and 4) I will not tolerate such blatant objectification of them based on such a childish and shallow ranking system. _

He sent off the text and bit his lip.

_But yeah they’re probably a 9.5. Only minus .5 because of the ridiculous way they talk._

He couldn't believe he actually admitted it in text. He hoped Cal wasn’t somehow intercepting and reading his messages.

A burst of knocking sounded, and then Dave unexpectedly stuck his head in the door, seeming not to notice Lir’s incredible flail and subsequent clatter of his phone on the ground.

“Hey man,” he greeted, cheerful as ever despite the late hour, “just wanted to let you know that, like, you don’t have to get up at 4:00am tomorrow. Or ever. I’m planning something a bit more involved for breakfast, so it’ll be ready at 8:00.” He paused, nibbling at his lip a little. “And I’m, uh, totally a really light sleeper so don’t try and do anything like start lessons before breakfast either! Yeah, that’s how it is, my man.”

Did the man seem to have a shifty look in his eyes, or was that just Lir’s imagination?

“Anyway, good night!” Dave was uncharacteristically flustered as he left suddenly as he had appeared, and Lir still couldn’t find any words to respond to that strange interaction.

The buzzing of his phone against hard pine flooring reminded him of his previous engagement. His cheeks burned once more as Coral had seen fit to respond to him with several screenshots from Pinterest of what she thought Cal might look like, accompanied by three lines of smirking emojis. 

Deciding that the most dignified retort was that of silence, Lir turned off his notifications, opened a YouTube playlist of swimming videos, and flopped onto his stomach to watch and learn. He was distracted though, and very little of the instructions registered in his brain. His mind was swirling with Coral’s insinuations alongside play-by-plays of Cal and Dave from that evening. Attractive or no, Cal was off-limits, and it would be best if he burned that into his brain sooner rather than later.


	14. In which Lir greets the morning and learns Cal's hobby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fourteen chapters later, we finally see Lir's second day on the job!

Beams of golden sunlight crept through mountain peaks, some of it stopping to sniff at weeping cherry trees while the majority slid through Lir’s windows and mercilessly stabbed at his eyes until he mustered enough coordination to grab a pillow and shove it over his face. This solution was woefully temporary, as he found that he needed to breathe. Lir decided he might as well get up and enjoy the mountain morning. Maybe later he could convincingly pass off a nap as breath training…

It was barely 6:30 when Lir slowly pushed his door open and slipped towards where he hoped the kitchens were. For once he chose correctly, and he took a moment to pat himself on the back before rummaging through cabinets in search of tea and mugs.

Ten minutes later, he was shuffling out the door with a steaming mug of green tea into a luscious garden that bordered a small greenhouse. These plants, unlike the stark, dry wisteria trunks, were bursting with life in the face of the finicky Colorado springtime. Lir had been out west long enough to expect the chilly May morning and was prepared with a bulky navy blue hoodie over a sweater, his fuzzy winged toaster pajama pants, and a dove gray, chunky wool scarf with sparkles that he had knitted himself. It was a…less than fashionable outfit, but the coziness factor far outweighed any fashion-wary inhibitions. He reasoned to himself that it wasn’t yet 7:00, so Dave and therefore Cal wouldn’t be up yet, since he assumed they were sharing a bed. 

An image of Cal in bed bloomed unbidden in his mind, relaxed in sleep as they rarely seemed to be in life, their hair spread out in silky luxuriousness like a pool of ink. Lir hurriedly shook his head free of the thought and focused his gaze on the trees in the distance. The view really was gorgeous, as he had anticipated yesterday at 4am. Slowly, he began to relax.

“Greetings.”

The mug flew into the pool. 

Which was an impressive feat, given that it lay beyond a row of hedges and across several feet of concrete.

Lir slowly turned from his startled stance to see Cal, because of course it was Cal, standing in the doorway from the kitchen and blearily rubbing sleep from their eyes.

He attempted to return the greeting, but the words got mixed up on the way to his tongue and he blurted out an odd combination of “greetings” and “good morning” that came out sounding like “grhmrp.”

“Do you often rise alongside the sun in all her glory?” Cal asked, stepping down onto the path in their bare feet. They were wearing a lavender dressing gown with enough trailing layers and folds that they looked like they were about to step onto a red carpet instead of the slate flagstones. They had a soft white fringed blanket draped around their shoulders like a luxurious scarf, and their hair was somehow perfectly messy.

“Er,” Lir said, wishing he hadn’t thrown his mug of tea, because this would have been a good moment to buy time by drinking some. “Sometimes?” Why did he always sound so unsure of himself when talking to Cal? The truth was that he did often get up early. Maybe it was because back when he’d lived with his parents, the early mornings had been the only times he’d had to himself, since both of them had often worked evening shifts and gotten home around eight or nine, when most kids his age would have been able to hole up in their rooms and do whatever they wanted to do away from the scrutiny of their parents. Or maybe it was because he’d found in later years that scheduling early volunteer shifts and doctor’s appointments was a good way to prevent himself from staying in bed through the morning and even, on occasion, into the afternoon during the times when his paralyzing anxiety flared up. But he didn’t say these things to Cal, even though a part of him wanted to, and he thought they wouldn’t mind listening.

“I enjoy basking in the glow of the natural beauty of our surroundings from time to time. There is something exquisite about the liquid golden light of the early morn.” Maybe Cal was being poetic for the sake of poetry, but Lir thought they were right - the sunlight did look a lot like liquid gold at the moment. “I also take pleasure in the ancient and at times fiercely competitive art of Observing and Recording the Presence of Avian Beings,” they said, drawing out a pair of expensive looking binoculars from under the blanket. It took Lir a moment to realize what they were talking about. “Dawn and her successive hours are oft the most advantageous time to do so.”

“Birdwatching?” He said doubtfully.

“If you must name it so,” Cal said with dignity, raising the binoculars to their eyes. “See, there by the lilacs we have _Archilochus alexandri_; this one has arrived early for the season.”

“Arch locust what now?” Lir squinted at the lilacs and thought he saw something flitting among the blooms.

“_Archilochus alexandri_. Perhaps more commonly identified as the black-chinned hummingbird.” Lir was so busy trying to see the bird in question that he didn’t notice Cal approaching him until they were standing almost uncomfortably close. “If I may,” Cal said, draping the safety strap of the binoculars over Lir’s shoulders and placing them in his hands.

Lir lifted the binoculars to his eyes and could feel the buzz of eager anticipation from Cal’s direction. He focused on a shrub, and then a wisteria, and then the stern gaze of a crow before it flew away.

“No, no,” Cal insisted. “You must extend your senses to embrace the form of the Archilocus. If I may?” They waited for Lir to nod his assent before wrapping both arms around him and physically guiding his body where to look. 

A million thoughts were rushing through Lir’s mind. It had been a very long time since anyone had hugged him. After the fallout with his parents, he had made few friends and fewer still that he would be comfortable engaging in physical contact with. This fact left him ill-prepared to handle Cal’s hands resting on his forearms while the rest of them surrounded his small frame. Despite the two inches between any other parts of their bodies, it was somehow strikingly intimate and felt even more intense than the cursory hugs he had experienced at the hands of others. Beyond the echoes of embraces in his mind, however, the first and foremost thought was _don’t get fired don’t get fired don’t get fired_, followed closely by _Dave deserves better._

This last was enough to push Lir to concentrate on what lay beyond the lenses of the binoculars and was shocked at how close and detailed the flitting creature was. It touched something deep in him to feel so intimate with nature, even if it was just a hummingbird in a heavily landscaped yard. There was something deeply profound about the golden sunlight illuminating the earth Lir stood on while he watched the valiant drive of the hummingbird in its quest for life.

“Were you successful?” Cal questioned quietly.

“Yes,” Lir replied, though he wasn’t sure if he meant only at seeing the hummingbird. “Are there any others to see?”

The two of them spent an amiable hour passing the binoculars as Cal eagerly explained the local species. Strangely, as they grew more excited their speech seemed to be littered with an abundance of “verily” and “forsooth” while the poetry of their words seemed to dial down to a more mundane level.

As Lir was admiring an adorable _Sitta carolinensis_, or white-breasted nuthatch, an anguished cry of “Gnarly, dude! How did a mug get in the pool?” sounded out form behind them. Cal proved that they were at least part psychic in draping the binocular cord around Lir’s neck earlier because that was the sole reason preventing him from chucking them to follow the mug.

Speaking of which, Dave was currently stripping down from his suit jacket and “Kiss the cook - and the waves” apron and diving into the doubtlessly freezing pool water with the perfect form of a dolphin in human guise. He emerged seconds later with Lir’s mug, coughing at the sudden temperature change. Lir felt Cal leave and begin scolding Dave in Victorian verse. The man seemed to be oblivious or at the very least non-responsive to the obvious concern in Cal’s voice for their boyfriend.

Cal led the troupe indoors and ushered a shivering Dave to go change into dry clothes. They then got a gleam in their eyes.

“Well then.” They clapped their hands with mischievous delight. “As it is 7:40 and breakfast is to be served sharply at 8:00, I suppose I have no choice but to prepare something. Is there any particular comestible you desire?” 

Lir shook his head in incredulity.

Cal picked up a knife and cutting board but before they could even close their fingers around an apple Dave came bursting back into the room, wet hair dripping and shivering even with his fluffy lilac robe. “Dude, no! You’re a total kook at cooking and you know it. I like, swear to the surfing gods that you don’t even want to cook, you just wanna take my heart for a ride on a heavy wave.” He confiscated the knife and shooed a disappointed Cal away from the countertops before tying a new apron over the robe that matched Lir’s dressing gown and getting started on breakfast.

As the two sat at the island watching Dave dancing through the kitchen to Beach Boys tunes, Cal remarked, “I quite enjoyed our morning interlude, Instructor Lir. If you are amenable, would you like to repeat this as a quotidian occurrence?”

Lir could feel himself blush even as he answered, “Of course!” He told himself that it was only the elation of seeing birds and plants that provoked his eager reaction.

Cal granted him the maybe-smile at that. “I look forward to the next rise of our sun then. What would you have us start with today, Instructor Lir?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C "What shall we do today, Instructor Lir?"  
L "TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD."


	15. In which Lir proposes his second lesson and engages in Intimate Conversation

_Cal granted him the maybe-smile at that. “I look forward to the next rise of our sun then. What would you have us start with today, Instructor Lir?”_

“Well,” Lir said, trying to assume the air of someone who knew what they were doing, “I believe we were cut short last night, and have yet to do our interpretive dance, which should serve as an excellent warmup for the daily exercise and meditation I prescribed for you yesterday. We ought to be able to get through all of these before lunch. But first, to loosen our bodies for dance, we shall continue our forays into running laps.”

“And after we have completed these undertakings?” Cal looked at him patiently while Dave crooned along to “Little Saint Nick.” Lir wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or alarmed by Dave’s enthusiasm for something so flamboyantly Christmasy (yet also so Beach Boysish) in May, and ultimately decided begrudgingly that music was music and Dave was allowed to sing along to whatever he pleased, even if Lir found anything related to the holiday more than a little nauseating.

“After that,” Lir said, pulling his words out of thin air and wondering if he could make a living as a magician, “we will Commune with the Very Large and Long Swimming Pool. It is time to familiarize ourselves with the water. We must become one with its essence before we can truly and deeply appreciate the purpose of the art of natation.” If he was lucky, maybe he could get the communing part to last all afternoon so he wouldn’t have to actually, well, swim.

“As you say, Instructor Lir,” Cal conceded, and the words reminded him so much of _something_, but he wasn’t sure what. “If you would be so kind as to give me a moment to change into more appropriate attire for physical exertion, I shall meet you on the front lawn for the pleasure of repeatedly hastening along the path.”

“Dude, you should join us this time!” Dave said cheerfully as Cal swept out of the kitchen. “It’s like, so nice outside right now. A bit of a run to get you breathing that fresh mountain air would be good for you!”

“Of course,” Lir said, knowing that to refuse would look more than a little suspicious. “The problem is, I er… don’t really have anything appropriate to wear.” His ears burned as the shame threatened to engulf him again. Before, he hadn’t had the time to exercise regularly, nor the spare money to buy proper running shorts. He probably had a few old tee shirts he could have packed, but he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“Dude, no worries! I’ve got stuff you can borrow.”

“Uhh, thanks, but I’m pretty sure anything that fits you would fall right off of me,” he pointed out. Maybe he could fit into a single leg of Dave’s shorts and wear it like an athletic skirt. Lir was just that tiny.

“Not a problem, dude, I know how to sew! It will only take me a mo to fix something up for you, come on!”

This was how fifteen minutes later Lir found himself marching onto the front lawn wearing bright yellow running shorts that came down past his knees, though they fit his waist perfectly thanks to Dave’s unexpected and speedy talent with a needle and thread. The waistline was a bit bunched up around the hips he wished he didn’t have, but it was so entirely engulfed by Dave’s smallest tee shirt (which was ocean blue with a print of palm trees and bold letters spelling “DUUUDE” across the chest) that Lir was pretty much able to ignore it.

He eyed the gravel path with no small amount of apprehension. Cal was already loping balletically along the other side of the loop, serene and unattainably graceful. Well, if he was going to look like a fool in front of Cal, he might as well just get it over with. _Let’s do this,_ he told himself, and began to run.

Lir tried, he really did. He remembered being a child and loving running freely through the woods and down the streets, feeling the wind caress his face and ruffle his hair. It seemed, however, that attempting to channel childhood carelessness into 24-year old muscles weak from poor nutrition and lack of use was ill-advised. He had at least known to start slowly, but by four laps he was struggling to keep up even the slow-motion pumping arms and slight bound that signified he was running rather than walking. He tried not to think about how most people walked faster than he was currently running. 

By the middle of lap five, Lir was absolutely certain that he couldn’t maintain his façade anymore and began walking, albeit quickly so as to preserve at least some of his dignity. Ahead of him Dave appeared to be alternating between bounding across gravel and running in place, knees bumping his chest in quick succession before he took off again. Lir hadn’t seen Cal in some time, which should have been his first clue.

“Are you enjoying your exercises?”

This time, Lir wasn’t holding anything to chuck into the pool, so he only yelped. Loudly. He could feel the crows’ judgmental stares even though he couldn’t see them at the moment. 

He turned to look at Cal striding elegantly behind him, their long legs carrying them to Lir’s side in an instant. He struggled to come up with a witty answer and ended up saying, “Yeah.” So much for channeling mysterious and masterful. 

“I find myself fatiguing somewhat. Might we perhaps walk for a time before recommencing speedier activities?” Cal asked politely. Lir privately noted that they showed barely any sweat yet again and were only a little out of breath but nodded his assent anyway. If he couldn’t trust his brain to come up with coherent words then he would keep his mouth shut and just listen to Cal. He relished in the easy pace and marveled how they could walk so easily alongside each other in spite of the difference in leg length between him and Cal.

“Instructor Lir,” they began. “It is a travesty that we are not yet intimately acquainted with one another. You are an entity most enigmatic and we must unearth each others’ essences before we can even expect to establish excellence in natation. Would you mind terribly if we engaged in a rousing bout of alternating queries?”

Again, Lir only nodded (once he had deciphered Cal’s cryptic language). So Cal wanted to play 20 questions? He racked his brain trying to think of something to ask when Cal beat him to it.

“What is your most favored form of the noble potato?” 

The grave expression on their face belied the absurd question. How would this enable Cal to get to know him? _Well, whatever,_ Lir thought. _Two can play at asking inane questions in… in _Calspeak.

“I find myself yearning for the delicate crisp of a roasted potato wedge,” he replied coolly. “And yourself?”

Was that a slight smirk? Lir wondered if he was getting better at reading Cal. “Although I also experience pleasant feelings towards such exquisiteness, my own preferences lie firmly in the realm of the common yet virtuous mashed potato. Do you prefer any particular type of fruit above others?”

“The golden flesh of a peach.”

“A magnificent choice. My own tastes tend towards the tender tang of mango.”

On and on it went. Lir wasn’t sure if any one question actually informed Cal of anything beyond oddly specific details that had little to do with himself as a person. It seemed harmless enough though. And besides, it was fun to try and come up with Shakespearean ways to express that he liked firm pillows more than soft ones. 

Eventually, Dave got bored of lapping the two of them and started up a game of tag that quickly left Lir breathless and exhilarated, not least because of Dave’s tendency to make up rules on the fly. During one such penalty rule where he had to stand on one foot for 30 seconds, Lir watched Dave hopscotching in hot pursuit after a sprinting Cal and reflected on how long it had been since he had felt such carefree joy.

They decided to do their interpretive dance session under the trees, pausing only so that Dave could dash inside to fix up sparkling water sweetened with agave and tanged with lime and fresh basil from the herb garden. While he was inside, Cal and Lir flopped on the grass to catch their breath, not saying much until Cal suggested they move because “it would seem that my sensitive skin is having an adverse reaction to some element of the lawn.” They did indeed seem to be getting itchy red spots on their exposed skin, and sure enough when Lir examined his own legs he discovered a similar reaction.

“What’s the point of grass if you can’t even touch it?” Lir complained, making his way to a bench and trying not to scratch his ankles.

“It does indeed seem a great tragedy,” Cal agreed, sitting next to him and brushing their hair over one shoulder with a sort of graceful absent-mindedness. “I must needs consult the gardener to see what can be done to remedy the situation.”

It was lucky that Dave came back out when he did, because Lir had suddenly realized he’d forgotten to be awkward for almost the entire morning, and he had just become acutely aware of his proximity to Cal and also the silence between them. Was it a companionable silence? Or was Cal not speaking to him because he’d insulted their grass? The arrival of their iced drinks gave him an excuse to quietly and discreetly (he hoped) observe Cal to search for any signs of disapproval. He found none, but they were enigmatic enough that this offered little reassurance. He tried not to sneak too many glances when they pulled out their phone and began texting intently, their hair falling into their eyes and being pushed away repeatedly (and ineffectively).

The interpretive dance session helped put aside his worries about Cal, because he instead became worried about himself. He wasn’t skilled at any kind of dancing, seeing as it required key elements such as movement and coordination. But after seeing Dave’s alarmingly earnest interpretation of a cuttlefish, he caught Cal’s eye and shared a painful moment of suppressed laughter before dissolving into giggles. Cal didn’t laugh, exactly, but they did seem to be biting back a smile, which allowed Lir to relax enough to perform a series of moves inspired by a jellyfish. One thing led to another and before long they were all sitting on the bench watching Crab Rave in slow motion on Dave’s phone so that they could work out the choreography, pausing every few seconds so that one of them could leap up and demonstrate how they might translate the crab motions to human dance forms.

It wasn’t until they were all walking back to the manor (he really couldn’t help thinking of it as a manor now, not now that he was learning the immense and elaborate intricacies of the interior) that he remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He was supposed to be _teaching swimming. Natation,_ his brain corrected unhelpfully. This time it wasn’t just the horrible crashing weight of guilt; no, now it came with something else - a fleeting panic that he was actually starting to genuinely care for the people he was actively deceiving. It wasn’t often that he made friends, that he met people he was genuinely comfortable with. Maybe Dave and Cal weren’t his friends yet - but maybe they could be.

Or rather, maybe they could have been, if Lir hadn’t been deceiving them this whole time. He felt physically sick at the thought of them finding out. And yet… if not for the deception, he wouldn’t have met them at all.

All in all, it was exactly the worst moment to look up and see someone he didn’t recognize running up the flagstone path from the driveway, beaming and calling out Cal’s name like they were long lost childhood friends before throwing their arms around his employer’s neck.


	16. In which Lir meets someone else who speaks Calspeak

“Cal, thou cream-faced loon!” they cried. “I waned away in your too-long absence; life without you is but a mere semblance!”

Cal didn’t seem to mind the insult or the hug and even lifted the newcomer from the ground in a bear hug, swinging them from side to side while murmuring something that Lir couldn’t hear. He noted instead how the person was almost as tall as Cal with a yellow-orange afro that reminded Lir of marigolds and added a couple inches to their height. Their clothing was simple - a black and white jacket over olive green work pants and brown boots. Coupled with their dark skin, the whole ensemble suggested that they spent a lot of time outside. 

When Cal separated from them, the person then jumped (literally) onto Dave’s mountain of a body and ruffled his hair. Lir stood to the side, awkwardness exponentially augmented as he observed the kind of friendship he had yearned for all his life. Also, he wasn’t exactly the outgoing type, so he was fervently hoping that Cal or Dave would remember him soon and introduce him. 

It turned out he didn’t have to worry about that. In the midst of Dave throwing them up in the air, the person had caught sight of Lir and was now making their way over to him. 

“Hi there! Are you new here? My name is Ianthe, and my pronouns are she/her. Nice to meet you!” The person thrust her hand forward with a bold smile. Lir could feel the confidence and self-assuredness leaking off of her in waves. Even if she couldn’t swim, he bet that she would at least inspire more confidence in Cal as an instructor than he ever could. 

Lir stuck out a cautious hand. “Hello, yes I’m new. My name is Lir, pronouns are he/him, and I am here to teach nata-- I mean. Swimming.”

Ianthe’s smile grew wider as she gripped Lir’s hand and bounced it with the strength of five or six bears. “I’m so happy to hear that. Cal here _definitely_ needs as much help as you can give. You’ll probably need _at least three months_ to teach them everything you know. Anyway, your woeful employer here begged me to come and see to their landscaping, so I’ll be around the grounds if you want to chat later. Ta!”

She picked up a bag at her feet and strode towards the manor. A few steps ahead she paused and called back, “Well? I haven’t been to _this_ mansion before, aren’t you going to show me to my room?”

A laughing Dave jogged forth to take up the task, leaving Lir once again alone with Cal, who hadn’t stopped smiling since Ianthe had shown up.

“A wonderful being, Ianthe,” they remarked, gazing at the manor. “I am supremely grateful for her willingness to appear at a moment’s notice.”

Lir rather thought that she had come to Wisteria because it was Cal who had asked her. How could anyone who knew them resist the chance to visit? Lir had only known them for one-and-a-half days yet was fascinated by their sleek grace, their earnest interest in others’ wellbeing, even their odd way of speaking. All of it came together in the form of a (very attractive) human being that anyone would love to be around.

“Perhaps we might adjourn for a period free of instruction for a few hours so that we may enjoy Ianthe’s presence? Or perchance you would prefer to prepare your next lessons in solitude,” Cal offered graciously. The small kindness didn’t do much to keep his stomach from sinking when he realized this was Cal’s polite way of saying they wanted to spend time alone with Ianthe.

“Of course,” Lir said, attempting for a cheerful tone, though he suspected he fell a bit flat. “I’ll, er, retreat to my chambers. Just, uh, knock if you need anything.” He was already rushing inside, leaving Cal behind. His voice was lilting into that higher pitch that only surfaced when he was upset. It was too difficult to capture the poetry of Calspeak in his present state. He wasn’t even sure why he bothered anyway, he thought bitterly.

Had he looked behind him, he would have seen Cal standing on the lawn looking quite bewildered indeed.

* * *

Lir settled into the luxurious cushions on the window seat in his room and tucked his knees under his chin with a gusty sigh. It was too much. He ran the silky tassels of one of the pillows through his fingertips, needing something tactile to ground him in the moment of solitude.

Ianthe’s arrival had unsettled him more than it should have. It was nothing about her in particular; in fact, she seemed friendly and energetic, and like someone he might enjoy being around, in other circumstances. No, it was something else.

When it had just been Cal and Dave, Lir had thought that Cal’s close relationship with Dave was exceptional. But now, after seeing Ianthe’s enthusiastic greeting and Cal’s equally warm and enthusiastic reception of it, he was beginning to think that this was a false conclusion.

He looked out the window and thought about how the view of the snow-crisp mountains and the sharp pine forests and the faultless blue sky was so different from the view out of his apartment. He hadn’t thought about it much since leaving to come to Wisteria Manor. There wasn’t much to miss, after all - the sound of his neighbors bantering about whose turn it was to feed the cat (or clean the litter box), the erratic drip of the shower which maintenance had never come to fix, the sulfur yellow streetlights glowing through the curtain cracks at night. There was no reason to think of it, nothing tugging his heart back to the shoebox space where he’d tried to put down his roots. It was terrifying that he had lived there for months and felt no attachment, yet had been here for not even two days and was heartbroken at the thought of leaving. How could he let this place begin to feel like home, when it was painfully apparent he didn’t belong? Cal only wanted him here for swimming lessons. Lir didn’t know how to swim. There was no way this could end without disaster. The only question was how soon the disaster would strike, and on what scale.

He sighed and prised open his laptop. There was no point in moping. He calculated he had enough time between now and lunch to watch a few YouTube videos in preparation for their first lesson in the water that afternoon. Hopefully he would be able to avoid actually swimming in this first venture.

The videos made as much sense as they ever did - in other words, scant. Rather, he understood that in theory, humans floated, and moving the arms and legs would function to both keep him afloat and propel him forwards. 

Unfortunately, Lir’s body seemed designed to spit in the face of earthly physics.

No matter how hard he tried to imitate the spread-eagled pose of the swimmers on YouTube, he had sunk faster than an anvil made of lead, to the horror of the elderly Russian lady. When he had tried moving his limbs, they had somehow only accelerated him downwards into the depths of the pool. 

Lir sighed in frustration and paused the video. He didn’t have enough time to process the multitude of instructions in each video if the first lesson would be that afternoon. Worse, Ianthe would be there too, and Lir didn’t really want to make a fool out of himself and Cal in front of their significant other. The best he could do was to watch a bunch of videos to familiarize himself with what swimming should look like, and then go back to the basic video and just memorize the instructions so he could repeat them by rote when it came time to teach.

That plan established, Lir hunkered down and began to watch.


	17. In which Lir's compartmentalization fails

A knock on his door startled Lir out of his mumbling. He had been repeating lines from the instruction video he’d chosen for the past 15 minutes and had gotten into a trance. 

“Come in!” he called. 

Dave poked his head in. “Lunch is ready, dude-io! You wanna join us, or are you busy?”

In an instant, the existential dread that Lir had succeeded in burying under a thin layer of swimming instruction burst free. Dave must have caught the expression on his face because he was at Lir’s side in an instant, arms on his shoulders and speaking soothingly into his ear.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay! You don’t have to join us if you don’t feel comfortable. Can you talk right now? If not, tap my hand once if you want company, twice if you want me to leave.”

One tap.

“Alright, my dude. Say, have I told you about my sisters yet? They’re back in California with my mom still. One of them is a nurse and the other one is an immigration lawyer. They sound all professional now, but when they were young, you wouldn’t believe how cute they were! Sophie must have been eight years old or so when…”

Lir let himself drift in the comforting waves of Dave’s voice spinning tales of his sisters’ exploits. Slowly, Lir felt himself unclench, and his mind began to work rationally again.

“I’m okay now,” he insisted, sitting up. “You should go back to the others, I’ll be in the kitchens momentarily.”

“You sure, dude? It’s totally cool if you need some more time.”

Lir offered a shaky smile. “I really just need to push through this mental block on my own, but I appreciate that. Thanks for helping me out there though.” Dave didn’t need to know that his “mental block” meant a massive helping of guilt with a sprinkling of confused feelings about Cal that was mentally weighing him down.

Dave gave Lir one last pat on the shoulder before walking backwards slowly out of the room. “Any time dude, but make sure you don’t push yourself. We won’t mind if you don’t show up, but we would definitely love it if you join us for lunch. Ianthe is dying to know more about you.” 

When he had gone, Lir steeled his core and put his meager compartmentalization skills to task, trying his best to stuff his anxiety into a separate, deeper part of himself and bringing forth the competent persona he wanted to project. He ran through his swimming script one more time, squared his shoulders, and marched to the kitchens.

He had scarcely set one foot onto the marble floor when Ianthe bounded over to him, though he wasn’t quite sure how she covered the distance from the far wall of the kitchens to the entrance in less than two seconds. “Instructor Lir! Or can I just call you Lir? Cal’s been telling me all about you, I can’t wait to hear more. Come come, Dave has made the most _divine_ lunch, and you look like you need all you can get.”

Lir found himself being nudged all the way over to the table where Cal was already seated. Ianthe ushered him into the seat next to his employer while she took one across from them. On the table, a huge glass bowl beckoned his attention. Further inspection revealed fresh wedges of avocado, yellow potatoes, green beans, olives, and tomatoes, all beautifully tossed and slathered in a thin layer of pesto. His stomach growled appreciatively. Dave appeared from nowhere and began to serve the salade Niçoise onto each plate.

Cal laid a careful hand over Lir’s and looked deeply into his startled eyes. “Dave divulged that you were feeling unwell earlier. Have you recovered somewhat?” 

Lir could only nod, struck by how beautiful Cal’s brown eyes were even when filled with concern. 

They let out a breath and sat back, though their hand did not move from Lir’s. “I am most relieved. Should you ever find need to talk and let loose your worries, know that I am present and willing to aid you in any way I can.”

“I really appreciate that,” Lir said, touched. Cal gave them a very small smile, and then turned to face Ianthe, who was bouncing with excitement.

If Lir had thought that the earlier game of 20 questions was odd, the following interrogation was downright eccentric. He found himself discussing the merits and demerits of five-petal flowers vs many-petaled flowers in one moment only to be bemoaning the lack of unity among certain sects of the LGBTQ+ community the next. Lir felt that he and Ianthe had a lot in common and could be good friends. That is, if he could ever keep up with her energy.

Even after they had finished eating, Ianthe continued grilling Lir like a cob of corn. “But how do you really feel about the prevalence of home virtual assistants? Are they an improvement to society as a whole?” she cried, waving her hands to emphasize her point. Lir completely missed whatever Cal had to say about the topic as a flashing silver ring on her finger demanded his attention. Instinctively, his gaze switched to examine Cal’s finger, wondering if he had somehow missed the word “partner” or “spouse” in Ianthe’s earlier introduction. He was fairly sure he hadn’t, but he had also been a little shaken (literally, by the strength of her handshake). 

But no, there was no band decorating Cal’s hand, nor any jewelry anywhere on their person. It perplexed Lir, but maybe Cal had some kind of adverse skin reaction to metals as they did with grass and couldn’t wear a ring. He shrugged it off and listened as Cal debated playfully with Ianthe.

An hour after lunch, the group made their way out to the pool. Everyone had changed into a pool-ready outfit. Lir was wearing an old black T-shirt and a highlighter yellow pair of Dave’s swim trunks that had been altered to fit him as much as possible. Dave was of course sporting no shirt and bright orange swim trunks with tiny donuts embroidered on the hems while Ianthe wore a yellow floral bikini confidently. Lir wondered briefly how she had anticipated the need to bring a swimsuit but his train of thought wrecked as he caught sight of Cal. They looked absolutely resplendent in a cerulean blue swimsuit that covered everything from neck to wrists to ankles, offsetting the black lace that decorated the chest and back. A double layer of the same lace made up a skirt that somewhat obscured their legs and also swished appealingly as they walked. Their hair had been French braided to keep it out of their face, courtesy of Dave, Lir supposed. He did his best to keep his mouth shut and act as if he was unaffected by the glorious swimsuit, turning his gaze forward. This had the dismaying effect of reminding him of his impending doom: the pool.

The others remained ignorant of Lir’s rapidly accelerating heartbeat with every step. Once at the water’s edge, Dave and Cal stood by expectantly while Ianthe wandered off to explore. Lir took deep breaths to combat his body’s insurmountable nervousness and stood motionless, gathering his nerves. 

This was it. He was finally entering the water. And if the worst happened and Cal kicked him out immediately for being an incompetent fool, he would still have made enough money from yesterday’s lesson to set him on an upward path out of his dingy apartment. He took one more deep breath and prepared to step into the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HAPPENING


	18. In which Lir Enters the Water...and a mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING...or is it?

_This was it. He was finally entering the water. And if the worst happened and Cal kicked him out immediately for being an incompetent fool, he would still have made enough money from yesterday’s lesson to set him on an upward path out of his dingy apartment. He took one more deep breath and prepared to step into the water._

Before Lir could even open his mouth to begin his script, Ianthe let out a joyful cry.

“Hold up, you have pool floaties here? We are _so_ getting some use out of these!” She began dragging noodles, a large floating lounge chair, what appeared to be a deflated sprinkled donut, and more out of the small glass enclosure that housed the pool supplies and patio furniture. “Dave, be a dear and get something to inflate these? Ooh, I am so excited!”

“Wha-, but, I thought--” Lir stammered, his mental script torn to shreds by Ianthe’s ebullience. 

She waved off his concerns. “Sorry for hijacking your lesson, but you can’t deny me this! Technically, we’re still using the pool, so Cal will still get their instruction. You’re okay with that, right Cal?”

“Most certainly.”

“Quite. There you have it Lir! Today’s lesson will be getting comfortable in the water with Auxiliary Instructor Pool Noodle. Allow me to start!” With that, Ianthe grabbed the armrests of the lounge chair with both hands so that the chair faced her body and hurdled into the pool, twisting her body to bellyflop onto the seat. She flipped over into a classic reclining position and gestured for the others to join her.

Lir felt a rush of relief so intense it left him dizzy. It was a good thing Ianthe had turned what was supposed to be an instructive afternoon into a pool party, because the swimming instructions he’d thought he’d memorized from the YouTube tutorials had vacated the nest of his brain like fledgeling birds the second he saw Cal in their fabulous swimsuit.

Dave dove into the pool from the deep end with a minimal splash like the expert he was, while Cal stepped into the pool like royalty descending the steps of a palace; Lir tried not to be mesmerized by their gracefulness, or the way the skirt of their swimsuit floated around them like the petals of a flower.

Lir glanced around; no one was paying him any mind, so he slunk over to one of the lounging pool chairs and settled under the shade of a turquoise umbrella.

“Good god Lir, what are you wearing?” Lir jumped and knocked Dave’s bottle of sunscreen off of the round glass table next to him. Ianthe was dangling on the edge of the pool, gazing at him with no small degree of incredulity, as though she had only just now processed the fashion disaster that he was currently adorned in.

“Er.” Maybe Dave’s tailored swim trunks weren’t exactly flattering, and perhaps neon yellow wouldn’t have been his first choice, but surely they weren’t _that_ bad?

“I have an important phone call to make,” Ianthe declared, hauling herself out of the pool and striding over to where she’d left her phone on a different table. She walked bare-footed out of the gated pool area and disappeared behind a dense lilac hedge. A moment later he heard her whispering, “Enrique, are you busy? We need a new pair of swim trunks stat. I’m guessing waist size 28, extra small, that range. Something flattering for a redhead. I trust your fashion sense. How soon can you get up here? I’ll text you the address.” Lir tried to stop the flush of embarrassment that spread across his whole body to no avail. He wanted to say that he didn’t need to be taken care of like that, that he wasn’t a charity case, but the truth was that he could really use a pair of swim trunks that actually fit and felt at least a degree of flattering. If he was going to stand almost naked in front of Cal, he wanted to feel good about himself while doing it. Well, as good about himself as was possible.

Ianthe strolled back through the gate and leapt back onto her floating chair with gleeful enthusiasm.

“So why aren’t you swimming with us?” Ianthe asked, returning to staring at him with intense scrutiny. Lir tore his eyes away from Cal, who had just dipped their head under the water and come up sparkling and dripping like they were in a shampoo ad.

“A good instructor stays sharp by observation just as much as through practice,” Lir blurted out, pleased that he’d been able to come up with a semi-decent answer on such short notice.

“Ah, yes, because we are such excellent examples of - what did you call it? Natation,” Ianthe said with a smirk, looking over her shoulder to where Cal continued to stand around doing nothing (aside from looking like a model) and Dave was pretending to fence imaginary foes with a pool noodle.

“... In any case, the role of a coach is not so much to excel at the sport, but to excel at the instruction of it. Much like football coaches who teach the sport when they have themselves lived past their prime.” Lir must be getting desperate if he was resorting to football analogies. What would Ianthe do if she saw through his act? Would she tell Cal? She seemed pretty devoted to them. He had no leverage, no way to convince her not to reveal his secret to them.

Ianthe raised an eyebrow. “So you’re saying you’ve lived past your prime?”

Lir opened his mouth and closed it again, feeling sweat beading profusely on his brow. “... It is a little known fact that swimmers peak at a very young age. There is a beautiful tragedy to it. Some skills are like that. Figure skating, learning a second language.”

“And swimming.” Ianthe’s lips twitched.

“And swimming.” Lir coughed. “Er, natation.”

“I think you just don’t want to put on sunscreen.”

“... That may also have factored into my decision to hide in the shade,” Lir confessed, and he was immensely relieved when Ianthe burst out laughing, though the twinge of guilt at roping her into his deception lurked underneath it all.

“Well, I suppose you’ll just have to come out to the pool with Cal later then. Alone. In the dark.”

Lir was once again left speechless, but luckily Dave chose that moment to cannonball into the deep end of the pool, engulfing Ianthe in a tidal wave of crystalline chlorinated water and leaving her shrieking with indignation.

What if she was right? Lir wondered with a new wave of dizziness that had nothing to do with relief and everything to do with panic. What if Cal _did_ expect Lir to teach them how to swim at night, with no one else around? Under the stars and the cool evening air everything would be different, more romantic. Would it be weird if Lir requested Dave as a chaperone? Yes, that would definitely be weird. But maybe he could argue that they needed for a Dave as an unofficial lifeguard? Lir had taken a class on how to do CPR and other basic first aid once before, but that had been a few years ago. Dave seemed like the kind of person who would be good at that. He’d probably even been a real lifeguard at some point.

Lir tried to enjoy the rest of the afternoon, but even sipping an iced cantaloupe mint drink from Dave and watching Ianthe and Cal play pool volleyball with a beach ball and no net couldn’t dispel the unease in his chest.

He tried to put it out of his mind as the sun dipped behind the mountains and they all trekked inside at Dave’s insistence (“you can’t go more than five hours without food, dude, it’s just not right!”). They were putting all of the pool toys away when he remembered the bottle of sunscreen he’d knocked off the table. “I’ll be right back,” he said, but he wasn’t sure anyone noticed him, because Ianthe and Dave were arguing heatedly about if it was better to swim in the pool or the ocean, and Cal seemed enraptured by their debate. He slipped back outside to locate the bright orange bottle of Coppertone heavy duty sunscreen where it had rolled under the lilac bush. As he made his way back inside, he heard voices. He didn’t know what made him stop to listen. He wasn’t usually much of an eavesdropper. But the tone of the voices sounded different than Ianthe and Dave’s arguing, and Lir thought it would have been awkward to walk inside and disrupt whatever conversation was going on.

“Ianthe, why would you suggest that when you _know_ I don’t know how to open the pool cover?” Cal sounded distressed, but more importantly, they were _talking like a normal human being from the twenty-first century_. It was that shocking fact more than anything that kept Lir rooted to the spot.

“You mean you still haven’t figured that out?” Ianthe sounded like she was trying not to laugh.

“It opens at exactly 5:30 AM each morning and closes at 9:30 PM at night. No amount of fiddling with the buttons on the control panel has… revealed the secrets of how to alter the programming.”

“Cal, you’re hopeless,” Ianthe said with a sound that was something between a laugh and a groan. “Want me to take a look?”

“Yes, please.”

Lir waited until their footsteps had retreated inside the manor and faded into silence before letting out his breath. His mind was filled with questions. Why had Cal spoken differently when they thought they were alone with Ianthe? And what did it mean that they didn’t know how to operate the pool cover in their own home? Hang on… was _that_ why they had asked Lir to arrive so early that first morning? So they could impress him with the illusion of the pool cover opening as if on some silent command? He wasn’t sure how he felt about all of this, without knowing the reason behind it. But one thing had become abundantly clear: Lir wasn’t the only one with a secret.

* * *

Lir’s thoughts consumed him even as he heartily consumed his tacos that night. At Dave’s insistence that a cool pool day had to be paired with a hot dinner, they were filled with cabbage slaw and tofu crusted with tortilla chips with a side of mango habanero salsa - the tacos, that is, not his thoughts. 

He sighed as he flopped back in his bed, having retired early by claiming that the sun had really done a number on him and the rest of them wouldn’t understand, it was a redhead thing, no he was fine, he just needed some rest that’s all, yes he would be up for a game of 9:30pm Scrabble.

Alone and away from curious eyes, he finally let his brain set him afloat with questions. What could Cal be hiding? What could they possibly gain by embodying a linguistic anachronism solely for Lir but no one else? Or maybe it was Lir himself who knew the truth of Cal’s preferred speech tendencies and they were putting on a front for Ianthe… no wait, the two of them had known each other far longer than Lir did. For some reason, that thought made him think of the way Ianthe easily held Cal’s hand as they walked -- no, _glided_ \-- from place to place, and the small smile they gave her in return that made Lir’s heart ache a little.

Lir groaned in exasperation, allowing himself one head slam against the cloud-like pillows. His maybe-crush on his employer was _not_ helping matters! There were secrets to be solved, dash it all! He sat up and pulled out his phone. His guilt at deceiving the residents of Wisteria Manor was swamped by the implications of his discovery, and if he wasn’t the only one hiding a lie, then he was at least going to try and make his lie a truth before the others found out. It would make Lir feel better about himself if he could give at least _one_ real lesson in the pool. 

He rewatched the basic swimming videos again, hoping that this time they would stick and ignoring the niggling thought in the back of his head that no video would help more than some quality time in the pool would. Suddenly, Cal’s words came back to him: the pool cover apparently closed at 9:30pm each night. Lir himself wasn’t expected to show until 9:30pm for Scrabble. And it was now 8:37pm, the sun having fully set. 

Lir nodded to himself. It was time: he was going to brave the pool by himself so that tomorrow he could give his third lesson, which would bring him up to the minimum for him to pick himself up and get a job he was actually qualified for. If he did well enough tonight, maybe he could even stretch his instructions across three more lessons, giving him enough to separate himself from the last vestige of his parents’ control over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* sEcReTs & mYsTeRiEs *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧


	19. In which Lir sneaks out and his secrets unravel

Donning the highlighter shorts once more, Lir prepared to sneak out the side door that led directly to the pool. At the last second he remembered his current neon status and grabbed a fluffy dark green towel to drape around himself before he dashed furtively out into the path. The sneaking was probably unnecessary, given his memory of Ianthe’s insistence on visiting the third floor movie theater with Cal before Scrabble time, but caution was never unwarranted, in Lir’s experience.

He mentally cheered when he reached the water’s edge and saw that the pool was still uncovered. There were only a few distant lampposts lighting the area, creating a rather spooky atmosphere, but Lir had done scarier things for money and pride. Such as driving out to a remote manor on instructions from two cryptic emails to teach a skill he didn’t know to a potential murderer.

Setting the towel down on the edge, he braced himself for the chill and slipped his toe into the water. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as cold as he’d feared, likely due to soaking up the sun’s rays all day. Emboldened, he submerged the rest of his body in one fell swoop. Now that _was_ cold, and unpleasant, but after a minute of shivering, he felt himself begin to acclimate to the sensation. Focusing on his memorization of the YouTube videos, Lir stood on the steps at the shallow end and began to swim.__

_ _At least he was doing better than that first time with the elderly Russian lady. He found himself not drowning, anyway. However, that was the most that could be said of his second attempt at natation. His feet kept sinking the more he tried to propel himself, and he was aware that the amount of splashing and coming up for air was excessive._ _

_ __Come on Lir, _he told himself. _No skill ever manifested abruptly overnight without a little struggle!_ He valiantly fought to keep the memory of Anakin Skywalker’s miraculous piloting skills from convincing him of the contrary. Anakin had had the Force on his side anyway, so he didn’t count._ _

_ _After struggling some more, Lir heaved himself to the water’s edge and checked his phone. It had been about 25 minutes so far. Given that he had originally had 53 minutes before Scrabble night began, and the fact that he would need to shower so that he could excuse his dripping hair and damp skin, Lir reasoned that he had about 13 more minutes to work on his natation skills. Splashing around in the shallow end wasn’t really helping him learn though, so…_ _

_ _Lir’s eyes strayed to the deep end, cloaked in shadow beyond the reach of the lamplight. There was a diving board at the edge, and Lir remembered Cal describing the fifteen foot depth that allowed divers “to express themselves properly”. _ _

_ _He gulped involuntarily, sinking a little further into the inky darkness of the pool and disturbing little slivers of rippled moonlight across the surface of the water. Fifteen feet: even if Lir could stand on his own shoulders, he still wouldn’t clear the top of the pool. Furthermore, he still hadn’t figured out how to tread water effectively. It would be pretty dangerous to attempt to swim over there on his own. On the other hand, working only in the four foot shallow end wasn’t doing anything to help him improve for tomorrow’s lesson._ _

_ _The middle of the pool, then. Lir would swim just to the middle, leaving plenty of room before he reached the deep end, and then he would turn around and head back to the safety of shallower waters. Taking a deep breath, he held tightly to the pool’s edge, then kicked off towards his destination._ _

_ _For a moment, he finally felt as if he was understanding it - the motions of his arms and legs, all functioning together to thrust the water backwards and his own body forwards. The exhilaration of comprehension pushed him further. Sure, his feet may be drifting downwards and he was splashing a lot and gasping for breath even more, but he was _swimming!__ _

_ _It was then that Lir noticed several things all at once. The first was that he was a little past midway. He also realized with a sinking feeling that there was no nearby wall to kick off of like he had been doing when swimming across the shallow end. And, distressingly, the floor was _nowhere to be found_ beneath his kicking feet. At this point, it wasn’t just his thoughts that were sinking -- it was Lir himself!_ _

_ _Panic began to corner him, the shadows growing into his vision until he could only notice that the vast expanse around him contained nothing to grab onto. Desperately, he tried to recall what the Russian lady had taught him about treading water. Kicking his feet, waving his arms sideways - wasn’t that basically swimming? How was he supposed to swim upright? Panic was quickly giving way to full-blown hysterics. He couldn’t possibly drown in six feet of water - that would be an unbelievably anticlimactic end to Lir Fawkes Merriden. In his current mental state, though, Lir couldn’t process how he might escape his watery prison. An absentminded thought crossed his brain amidst the terror: _At least I was able to meet Cal, and Dave, and Ianthe. Everyone should get to know fantastic people before they drown in a swimming pool.__ _

_ _Distantly, Lir was aware of heavy footsteps, a dark blur, and a slight splash at the edge of the water, but they barely registered to him. It wasn’t until a strong, warm arm wrapped around his middle and yanked him sideways that Lir realized he had a savior. He stopped struggling against the liquid monster that his panic had conjured and let his unknown hero tug him along (though he was pretty sure it was Dave). He began to breathe again, trusting probably-Dave to keep him alive since he apparently couldn’t trust his own limbs._ _

_ _Sure enough, once at the shallow end, a beam of light fell across the characteristic ponytail and concerned features of Dave the Almighty, Doer of All Things and Hero of the People. He really looked quite upset and was opening his mouth, probably to yell at Lir for doing something stupid. Lir didn’t want to see Angry Dave._ _

_ _“Has anyone ever tried to start a religion after you? Because they should,” Lir babbled, still half-delirious from his previous terror and the euphoria of being alive._ _

_ _“What? No, I started my own religion, other people didn’t start it. Our congregation is called the Dudeists and we believe in--wait, don’t distract me! Dude! Are you okay?” Dave whisper-cried. His hands were gripping Lir’s shoulders firmly as if to reassure himself that Lir was still there. _ _

_ _“I’m fiiiine,” Lir replied, vaguely aware that his mind was still muddled. _ _

_ _Dave began to draw him up the steps and out of the water. “That was seriously dangerous! What were you doing in the pool at night without anyone else around?”_ _

_ _“Practicing...I was practicing something. Oh right! Na-ta-tion,” Lir sing-songed. _What was wrong with him? __ _

_ _The fluffy towel from earlier dropped heavily across his shoulders. Lir looked up and saw Ianthe’s bright orange hair and, below that, her piercing brown gaze. She busied herself with drying him briskly before wrapping him tightly in the towel, not saying a word the entire time. There was something unusual about that, but Lir couldn’t focus enough to think of what it was._ _

_ _Dave was saying something as he led them into the kitchen. Lir couldn’t concentrate on his words though, not until a steaming cup of hot chocolate was thrust into his hands and he was obliged to drink a sip. The brain fog began to clear, and he found himself able to process the new setting and Dave’s words._ _

_ _They were in the lounge at the far end of the kitchen, Lir seated firmly in the squooshiest armchair while Dave knelt before him, large hand still on Lir’s shoulder. Ianthe stood tight-lipped next to him, towering over the two of them._ _

_ _“--and dude, you know you can ask for help, right? No matter what’s bothering you, all you gotta do is ask and we’ll do whatever we can to make it better because we’re friends. Actually scratch that, we’re family dammit! And that’s why it scares me -- scares us so much that you tried to do this dangerous thing. Because you could have gotten hurt, real hurt, and I don’t care if it’s been like two days, I would feel like my heart got torn out of my chest if something had happened to you! And I know Cal would too, and the only reason they’re not here right next to us is that Ianthe and I stuck them upstairs in a closet with three hyperactive cats while we snuck down here to watch you practice because we know you can’t swim!”_ _


	20. In which Lir accepts help from the Head Dudeist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :')

Lir looked up sharply then, and Dave abruptly closed his mouth. 

“You knew?” he whispered, then cleared his throat and tried again. “You knew the whole time?”

“Not the _whole_ time,” Dave hedged.

“_I_ knew right away,” Ianthe declared, breaking her silence for the first time the whole evening. Her arms finally seemed to be relaxing from the rigid stance she had been holding.

“As expected from the great and brilliant Ianthe!” Dave enthused. “Anyway, we thought you might try and practice tonight, and we may have been curious so decided to come down and take a peek.”

“And thank goodness we did!” exclaimed Ianthe. “That was a very foolish thing you did, trying to tackle a huge task on your own. I’m relieved beyond words that you’ve emerged unscathed. And I want you to understand from the base of everything you are that Dave and I truly do insist that you accept our help from now on.”

Lir nodded slowly, trying to comprehend how much his life had changed from the lonely man in a crumbling windowsill four days ago. 

Dave heaved a sigh of relief. “Okay, so glad we’re done with that heavy stuff. Can we hug now?” He spread his arms wide and cocked his head to the side questioningly. Lir barely hesitated before shooting into Dave’s arms, wrapping around him like a needy sea star. A couple footsteps later, a warm grip that could only be Ianthe joined in the embrace and picked up both Dave and Lir, swinging them around in a wide circle. It was more physical contact than Lir had had in the past six months, and his brain almost overloaded from how good it felt.

“Everything will be okay, don’t worry about it,” Dave soothed, rubbing his back. “Lir, dude, is there anything specific that you want to ask?”

“Did you really start a religion?” he blurted. As soon as the words were out, he immediately reddened. “I mean, can you help me learn to swim without Cal knowing?”

There was a beat of silence before peals of laughter rang out. Dave was the first to pull himself together enough to answer, “Dude, the answer to both of those is _hell yes._”

* * *

“So why exactly did you keep Cal occupied instead of dragging them down here to watch as well?”

Dave and Ianthe exchanged a glance before Dave responded. “We’re uh, not sure if they know,” he admitted ruefully, rubbing the back of his head.

“What?” Lir asked sharply. “I thought you said it was obvious!” He directed this last question at Ianthe, who frowned slightly.

“Lir, have you not noticed?” she chided. “Cal isn’t exactly the most...observant of people.”

Lir felt that he had been plenty Observed by a certain Cal Q. Le over the past two days.

Something in his look must have implied his perplexity to Ianthe because she quickly clarified, “Oh sure, they notice the important things about people. How someone is feeling, if they’re having a bad day but trying to hide it, if they secretly want the last cookie but are trying to be considerate. But they’re really -- and I mean _really_ \-- bad at knowing when someone is lying. And besides, I think they’re maybe a tiny bit distracted by you since they have a giant--”

“Whoa now!” Dave exclaimed. Lir and Ianthe turned to look at him, and he began to laugh nervously. “Maybe it’d be better for our dude Lir to figure out those intimate details for himself by getting to know Cal some more?” 

“Sure,” Ianthe agreed easily. 

Too easily. Lir’s eyes narrowed. Were they hiding something from him?

His brain caught up with him then. Regardless if they were hiding something, the point remained that Dave and Ianthe were willing to keep and even help Lir with his secret. Did it really matter if they had secrets of their own?

Mind settled, Lir settled in to hash out a strategy. It was time to figure out Plan Let’s Let Lir Learn how to Lap the Very Long and Large Swimming Pool so he can Instruct Cal in the Art of Natation.


	21. In which Lir is Not Having a Good Day

Lir was not having a good morning.

It was the kind of morning where he’d spent a good ten minutes panicking about having clogged the bathtub drain (did he even possess enough body hair for such a thing to be possible? Upon reflection, he’d wished the answer was yes, but that was besides the point) before realizing the plug lever was stuck halfway up. Then he’d dropped his deodorant on his foot in the bathroom and managed to both bruise his toe and crack the deodorant cake in half (leaving crumbles of sandalwood scented paste all over the floor - he hadn’t even known this was possible) in one fell swoop. 

Having Dave and Ianthe on his side had made a world of difference in the past two weeks, but even with two Cal-expert confidantes (who possibly moonlighted as overenthusiastic matchmakers), there was only so long one could maintain a facade of being a qualified Instructor of Natation before beginning to crack from the strain.

“You _will_ submit,” Lir snarled as he grabbed the corner of the fitted sheet and dragged it over the corner of the mattress with the leverage of his entire body weight and every ounce of sheer determination he possessed, sweating and panting and generally fitting the definition of “a mess.” Or perhaps, he thought bitterly as his fingers grasped for purchase on the unfairly slippery bamboo sheets, he had graduated to a full blown disaster at this point. “I will not tolerate this - this _insubordination_ \- ”

He gave a mighty tug and succeeded in letting the slippery sheet slither out of his grasp, leaving him unbalanced to the point where he tipped backwards and hit his head on the window ledge and let out a strangled yelp of frustration that sounded like the eerie cry of a fox barking in the night.

“Dude!” Dave appeared in the doorway, his voice unusually heavy with concern. Lir had decided that Dave was actually the soul of a protective mother bear trapped in a tanned California surfer’s body. “Are you, like, okay?”

Lir did not know how to answer this question. When most people asked “are you okay,” they meant: “are you in immediate danger of serious or lethal harm, and do you require assistance to mitigate said harm?” (although only Cal would actually say all of that out loud). When Dave asked “are you okay,” Lir had a feeling he could start talking about how he was haunted by that one time in his early childhood when he’d overheard his parents talking to their friends at a fancy dinner party about how they were worried about their daughter’s “development” because she was “too quiet” and “too interested in things like mud and making swords out of sticks or whatever.”

Instead, he sat under the windowsill, eyes watering, and thought about how even his favorite things - like the window seat where he curled up to read - found ways to hurt him that were entirely his own fault.

It was just one of those days, he reflected, where everything around him could be perfect, from the silky smooth bamboo sheets that smelled of jasmine flowers in bloom to the tender look of concern on Dave’s face, and nothing would be okay because Lir was actually the problem.

“Hey man. Remember that talk we had?” Dave prompted gently; it seemed he had determined there was in fact no immediate danger of serious or lethal harm. He knelt next to the bed in front of Lir and tucked the fitted sheet over the corner of the mattress as easily as one might tuck a curl of hair behind a lover’s ear.

“The one about how to make creme brulee?” Lir asked, even though he knew full well that was not in fact the talk Dave was referring to.

“No - ”

“The one about putting sunscreen behind my ears,” Lir interrupted.

“Dude - ”

“Oh, the one about not mentioning wisteria in front of Ianthe?” Dave had stressed this one a lot, saying it was best for everyone not to get Ianthe worked up about planting decorative plants outside of their appropriate climate zones.

“The one about asking for help, dude,” Dave said patiently, sitting back on his heels and giving Lir a long look.

“Oh. That one.” Lir stared at the worn toes of his pineapple patterned socks. “Yeah, I remember,” he said sullenly, feeling like a reprimanded child. He knew underneath his prickly feelings of defensive self-disgust and misery he was grateful for Dave’s patience and persistence, but at the moment all he wanted was to burrow somewhere dark and warm and soft and sleep for a month until this day of disasters had been erased from his memory and he could start afresh. Only he knew it didn’t work like that, because all it would take was one small mistake to tip the balance and start the cycle all over again.

“I know it’s hard, man, but you gotta trust that when people offer you help, they know what they’re offering and they, like, actually want to help you.” Lir looked at the floor to avoid Dave’s wise and kindly gaze; he had gone from fierce mother bear to mysterious benevolent wizard of indeterminate age fast enough to give Lir whiplash, making him feel like a hobbit. Small and naive. But maybe also in the middle of a life-changing journey, which gave him a sliver of hope. “Do you want to like, talk about anything?” Dave prompted, and Lir realized Dave was under no illusions as to the root of his anxiety.

Today, Cal was going to teach Lir how to drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was anyone anticipating that being the reason behind Lir's anxiety? XD


	22. In which we learn Why Lir is Learning how to Drive

_Today, Cal was going to teach Lir how to drive._

Lir, like many people his age in this era of miraculous technology (how had Cal’s way of speaking permeated his brain so thoroughly in such a short period of time?) already knew how to drive.

He did not, however, know how to drive stickshift.

This had never impeded him in getting about his life before (plenty of other things in his life could take credit for that), but it had all come out two days ago during Natation Hour. Lir had been getting secret lessons from Dave at night while Ianthe did… something with Cal that Lir did not like to think about for long. 

The two were certainly very close. Ianthe balanced out Cal, her sunny personality and infectious smile bringing out a side of them that Lir had not seen. It was like watching the sun and the moon be friends and knowing that in spite of their overt differences, they were two halves of a matched set and nothing and no one else could get between them.

But that was all besides the point. After learning the concept from Dave, an experienced swimmer who for some reason would refuse to open his mouth when Lir fumbled through presenting the concept to Cal the next day, Lir would then… fumble his way through presenting the concept to Cal the next day. It had been going on like this for over a week. Lir couldn’t quite speak to whether his teaching was effective at all or if maybe Cal was _also_ getting secret lessons from Dave at a different time and just pretending to learn from their newest hire. Regardless, Cal (and Lir) were slowly getting the hang of propelling themselves through the water in a way that only vaguely resembled drowning (very gracefully, in Cal’s case).

During a break in Sunday’s session, Cal had mentioned needing to send Dave to “obtain provisions” from the nearby town. Lir, fool that he was, had inquired how the butler would reach said town since he hadn’t seen any kind of vehicles at the Manor.

Thusly had he been given the _extended_ tour of Wisteria Manor, this time featuring the basement and garages. Yes, _multiple garages_. Fortunately for his sanity, there was only one car in the expansive cement car habitat, and it was even a middle class brand that he felt sure he’d seen at Trader Joe’s instead of a sports car or something. He wasn’t sure he would have survived more luxury than what the Manor already provided. 

It turned out Dave had some amount of enthusiasm for cars (as he did for most everything). Peering into one of the windows, Lir caught sight of something he’d only seen on TV.

“Is that the… clutch?” he asked, pointing at the stick where the PRNDL would normally be (thanks Suite Life of Zack and Cody). 

Dave turned to stare incredulously at him. “Is that the… dude, have you never seen a car with manual transmission before?”

Lir shook his head slowly. In his mind, stick shift was one of the things that people suddenly expected you to have knowledge of when you became an adult. It was like how after graduating high school there were some household items people just assumed all adults had, like a blender, or a vacuum cleaner, or a food processor. 

Dave smiled brightly. “Well, why don’t you, like, ask Cal to show you the ropes while I’m in the store on Tuesday? I’m sure they’d love the chance, and they’re like, really good at it. Makes sense you know, since they have a lot of experience after driving all over to every—!” 

He shut his mouth abruptly, a panicked look entering his eyes. It was the first time Lir had ever seen such an expression on any butler’s face (though Dave was the only butler he’d ever really seen anyway). “Uh, um, you know what dude? I just remembered that I need to go like, iron my socks. But make sure that you’re ready to come with us on Tuesday, okay?!”

His piece said, Dave turned on his heel and fled the garage. Lir was pretty sure that he had jumped and scaled the outer wall up to the balconies to get back into the house quicker. 

It was definitely a weird occurrence, and just one more thing to add to the mysteries of the house. The biggest of these, of course, was Dave trying to teach Lir to swim when it was abundantly clear the man could easily teach Cal himself. Lir had broached that topic the very first night of Super Secret Nightly Natation Tutor Time (or SuSeNiNaTuTi for short). Dave, however, had completely avoided the question, and afterwards Lir had been too exhausted with the unfamiliar exertion of exercise to remember to press the issue. Later that night, he’d recalled that Cal had once referenced Dave’s deathly fear of pool nets, which he supposed made sense. It was certainly a little odd, but Lir was not the type of guy to belittle someone else’s fears. Everyone had their own story, after all.

And Lir’s story right now was that he had gotten off to a bad start over the anxiety of being in the same car as Cal for however long it took Dave to do the grocery shopping. Given the man’s enthusiastic winks, Lir bet it would be a longer grocery trip than usual to maximize his alone time with Cal. He and Ianthe had been pushing the two closer together lately. It seemed as though they were intent on fostering more intimate communication between Lir and his employer. Lir presumed they did so because such closeness would benefit Cal in the name of improving natation lessons. Or maybe they enjoyed watching the dumpster fire he turned into when faced with the prospect of being alone with the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

Said person was now peering into Lir’s room with concern. “My ears detected some rather clamorous noises. Are you in immediate danger of serious or lethal harm, and do you require assistance to mitigate said harm?”

Lir took a moment to congratulate himself on his perfect Calspeak translation from earlier before responding, “I’m okay, but thank you for asking. I just need to finish making this bed and then I’ll be ready to go.” Or at least, in terms of preparation to leave the house he would be. In terms of emotional readiness to spend time alone in a confined space with Cal, maybe not. “Um, Dave, maybe you could give me a hand with the fitted sheet?”

“Sure thing, dude!” Dave replied. He bounded to the other side of the bed, grabbing one corner of the smooth bamboo sheet as he did so.

Occupied with the task as they were, neither of the men noticed the disappointed look on Cal’s face before they slipped back out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses as to WHY Cal has lots of experience driving?


	23. In which Lir learns the Ways of the Stick

The three of them piled into the car, Dave ushering Lir into the passenger seat so he could “be closer to the magic, dude”. There was something incredibly odd about seeing Cal’s Tolkienesque cloak bundled into the confines of a very modern car, but that was the least of Lir’s concerns, really. Cal waited until everyone’s seatbelts were buckled before turning on the car and pulling out of the garage and down the driveway. As Lir watched the trees pass by, he heard Cal murmur, “Dave, the navigation, if you please?” It struck him as odd, that the owner of such an isolated mansion wouldn’t know the way to the nearest grocery by now. Then again, if Cal frequently drove distances as Dave had implied on Sunday, they may not be home often enough to be familiar with the area. That thought jiggled something in Lir’s brain too. How could one person make so much money by driving frequently? Maybe—

“Dude! We should play I Spy!” Dave cried. 

The rest of the car ride passed by with such entertainment, and before Lir knew it, Cal was parking the car and Dave was gathering up more reusable bags than seemed reasonable. Then Lir realized that he was just unaccustomed to the amount of food necessary to adequately feed and nourish four adults. Sooner than he was possibly ready for, Dave leapt from the backseat laden with bags and was making his way into the store with a cheery wave. The parking lot was surprisingly empty, so Cal didn’t even have to move the car to somewhere less populated.

It was just Lir and Cal now.

A beat of silence, then Cal spoke. “Well—” they said, and then coughed, their fingers flexing as they looked down and away from Lir. “Well, shall we commence your tutelage?”

Lir nodded, afraid that any words he uttered would betray how addled his mind was by Cal’s presence.

Cal glanced quickly at Lir, then shifted their gaze back to their lap. Their right hand moved down from the steering wheel to caress the lever between them. Lir noticed that their nails were now painted a sparkling violet. “This noble staff is known as the gearshift,” they started hesitantly. “It is the most obvious of differences between the horseless carriage that sorts which gear is necessary to travel the speed you desire on its own, versus one that requires a delicate touch like a lover’s hand to do the same. Is that comprehensible?” 

Lir, who last night had Googled the anatomy of stick shift cars and also panickedly begged for Coral to teach him anything she knew as well, nodded again.

Emboldened by the response, Cal continued with a little more confidence. One glittery purple nail gently traced the lines on the gearshift. “It is vital to be _intimately_ familiar with each position on this shaft. You should be able to navigate it blindly, knowing the position of each gear as you would your beloved’s visage.”

Lir was fairly sure his face couldn’t get any redder, but he was proven wrong when Cal’s hips shifted to the left, and they beckoned him closer to view _between their legs_ and down to the floor of the car. He could clearly see the extra pedal to the left of the brake. As he mentally pleaded for his brain to work properly and pay attention, Cal went on. 

“Observe here what is known as the clutch. Only when the clutch is applied should your hand arouse the engine or handle the shaft to change gears. Armed with this knowledge, let us return our attention to the gearshift.” Cal had found their momentum now, the words falling more fluidly from their tongue even as their voice felt like silken caresses to Lir’s mind. 

“Note the regality of the letter ‘N’ upon the knob. Do you see?” Their eyes swept up to meet Lir’s as their index finger circled the indicated letter. “As in the automatic beasts, it represents the word ‘neutral’, though in many vehicles it is not marked as such since this is the shaft’s natural resting position. Here, then, when passionately kissing the clutch to the floor at the same time, can we safely awaken the engine. Do you understand?” 

Again Lir nodded.

“Very well. We shall now discuss the initiation of motion. Before we begin, we shall ensure that unintended movement will not occur by applying the brake pedal like so—” and they edged to the side again to show both feet pushing the clutch and brake to the floor “—after which we may coax the gearshift into first gear.” Their fingers wrapped around the gearshift, and Lir’s mind went haywire imagining those sparkly fingers wrapped around something of a similar thickness. He wasn’t even sure if he was hearing real innuendos or if his mind had gotten itself so worked up that he was full on hallucinating during a perfectly normal (well, as normal as it got with Calspeak) lesson on how to drive stick shift.

“Once in Gear The First, we may move to simultaneously - heed my words, _simultaneously!_ \- ease the left foot from the clutch while applying an equal but opposite force to the accelerator. And so, we set forth!”

They then demonstrated each step, turning on the car and putting it in first gear. The car was now slowly accelerating while Cal went on with their lesson. “I shall now demonstrate to you the feeling of when the vehicle makes its need for a higher gear known. Generally, we aim to increase when the number of revolutions is about 3000, or 3 on this gauge.” Their left index finger tapped the glass over the leftmost dial, their eyes still fixed on the parking lot before them. The car sped up steadily until a quiet high-pitched noise began to sound. Lir started, but before he could say anything, Cal had already reached for the gearshift with balletic grace and changed to second, and the car fell silent again. Well, as silent as it could be, being a 1.5-ton contraption designed to reach unnatural speeds.

“Befuddlingly, to decrease the gears, we repeat the actions of before with the sole difference of shifting from second to first gear. This shall be done when the revolutions measure about 1000, and once more I will impress upon you the sensation of _need_ for that lower gear.” As Lir watched the speedometer and the rpm drop, he became aware of a rumbling of some kind. It was more than a little nervewracking, and he shot a glance at his tutee-turned-tutor conveying his alarm, his hand going for the oh shit! handle on the ceiling. 

Instead of anything remotely comforting, Cal responded with a cackle and cried, “Feel the vibrations, my dear Instructor Lir! _Feel them to the core of your being!”_

* * *

When Dave came out to the parking lot a little over an hour later, he was presented with a sheepish Cal and a mumbling, distant-eyed Lir. 

“Dude, and I mean this in the most loving way, what in surfer’s hell did you _do_ to him?”

“Not a thing!” Cal hastily replied. At Dave’s admonishing look, they admitted, “Perhaps I was a tad swept up in the momentum of our lessons. Tis the curse of inertia, truly.”

Dave moved his attention to Lir then, grasping the man’s biceps firmly and looking down into his eyes. “Are you okay dude? Speak to me!”

“Clutch, then gas. Clutch, then gas. Clutch, then gas,” Lir was repeating. It didn’t seem as if he was even aware of Dave’s presence. “Caress… shaft… to move gears… “ 

Dave threw an accusatory glare to Cal, who at least had the shame to look abashed, though a muscle was ticking at the corner of their mouth as if they were hiding a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL. I do NOT know how to drive stick shift. I wrote this chapter at like 2 in the morning and every other word was tabbing over to google the anatomy of stick shift cars and tutorials while ALSO figuring out how to write it in Calspeak AND making it humorous/laden with innuendos. It was a wild time.
> 
> Anyway, what was your favorite bit of Calspeak driving lesson?


	24. In which Lir’s Brain makes some Rude Interjections

After getting back to the house (they went to four different grocery stores. Four! Lir couldn’t imagine not worrying about gas prices that much), Lir stumbled off in a daze to his room. It took an afternoon of lying on his side furiously texting Coral about his ordeal, but eventually he was able to put on the face of a normal human being unplagued by flusteredness and go to dinner.

Cal seemed relieved to see him at the table as they delicately moved a jackfruit and pinto bean taquito onto their plate (Lir could still see the husk of the monstrous jackfruit that Dave had conquered on the counter. He was pretty sure the man mentioned making trophies of every difficult-to-prepare fruit rind he crossed.). Lir shot a cautious smile back at them and then nearly faceplanted on the table as Ianthe manifested behind him and pounded his back forcefully.

“Heard you had an _interesting_ time in the car with Cal today!” she greeted boisterously. “Art thou thus skilled with knowledge of shafts then?”

Before he could reach a passable resemblance to a ripe tomato again, Lir shot back, “Pray tell, young maiden, why such doubts in me? Surely more confidence is warranted?”

Ianthe laughed in delight at his sonnet skills and took a seat. “Excellent! Your iambic pentameter isn’t bad at all!” Without looking, she accepted the plate loaded with taquitos that Cal handed her, seeming to sense their movements. Their and Ianthe’s combined grace seemed to please Cal, who released a small smile. Lir couldn’t help but glance at the sparkling ring on Ianthe’s finger as she tucked into her meal. Who was she married to? He opened his mouth to ask.

At the same moment, Dave announced, “WAIT! I forgot the veggies and chips and guac!” and leapt from the table. In doing so, he nearly knocked the whole table over, but Ianthe had foreseen his trajectory and grabbed his arm to pivot the butler’s body while simultaneously kicking the table back onto four legs. It was a difficult maneuver, especially to anticipate Dave’s movements so well, and made all the more impressive by Dave’s impressive build. How could she handle him so easily? A thought entered Lir’s mind: maybe she was _used_ to throwing him around.

Cal stood, crossing over to Dave to examine him for injuries. Their elegant hands running over Dave’s arms reminded Lir that the two of them probably had a _thing_, but he reminded himself of Coral’s words that only someone into him would throw driving-related innuendos at him for 45 minutes. 

_Or maybe someone who was messing with him and just wanted to make him uncomfortable so he would know his place,_ a hated part of his brain whispered.

No! Lir slammed his hands hands on the table, attempting to physically squash his stupid anxiety, then giggled nervously when the other three turned to look at him. Quickly, he grabbed a taquito in both hands and stuffed it into his mouth as a diversion. Then he took another bite because it was _so good_. The crunchy fried exterior of the tortilla quickly gave way to soft, juicy filling, and the _jackfruit!_ He’d never had jackfruit before, but he would be certain to request it more often from Dave. 

_Only for as long as you’re welcome here,_ the anxious part of his brain remarked snidely. _Cal can’t wait till everyone else gets sick of you so they can have him all to themself._

In response, Lir munched his taquito even more forcefully and shut his mental door on Anxiety Brain by pretending the thought had never entered his mind. The rest of the meal passed peacefully (as peacefully as it gets with Ianthe around, anyway), but when Lir went to bed, his brain started its anxious whispers once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, Lir...
> 
> Fun fact about the iambic pentameter: I don't know a _damn_ thing about English literature or history, but Ianthe has a Master's degree in it ;D


	25. In which Lir and Cal Ambulate Agreeably

“Instructor Lir,” Cal waylaid him after breakfast one morning. Lir was surprised enough that he almost missed the step leading down from the kitchen (who just decided to put so many different steps and floor heights in one house, anyway?), flailed slightly, and then leaned nonchalantly against a miniature Corinthian pillar that may or may not have been made of plaster (upon realizing this, he quickly stopped leaning against it and merely pretended to lean on it; the last thing he needed was to go around breaking their furniture and statuary, even if it _was_ fake). They usually held their natation lessons in the afternoon, when it was warmest; so what could Cal be approaching him about now?

“I wondered if perchance I might request the pleasure of your company this brilliant, cloudless morn on a solitary stroll to corners of our very long and large property which we have not yet ventured toward in our ambulations.” Lir stared at them and tried to pretend his heart didn’t miss a beat. Cal wanted to go on a solitary ambulation? With him? Even though they had already had their customary birdwatching walk together before breakfast? Ahem, rather, the ancient and at times fiercely competitive art of Observing and Recording the Presence of Avian Beings, he corrected himself mentally. He was so surprised by the request that he failed to notice Cal’s fingers twisting in their gilded violet cloak, almost as if they were nervous. They continued in a slight rush. “It could, ah, if you will, serve as a utilitarian complement to our natation sessions, as there is a very long and large body of water that fringes the grounds, and we might observe the undulation of the aquatic body to enhance our understanding of liquid motion.” Ah, of course, Lir thought, failing also to notice the faint flush on Cal’s cheeks. They didn’t want his company after all; they were solely interested in advancing their natation lessons. But that was almost just as good; it meant they were taking his instruction seriously, which in turn meant that at least for the moment, they remained interested in keeping him around a while longer.

“Of course,” Lir agreed in what he intended to be a jovial tone, a goal that was hindered somewhat by the betrayal of his own voice, which chose that moment to crack in a rather noticeable way. “If you’ll allow me to apply my solar protection salve before we depart, I will reconvene with you at the south entrance in a quarter of an hour?”

“That sounds quite excellent,” Cal replied, and because Lir was already on a roll at being unobservant that morning, he missed the complex series of emotions that flitted across their face, and their heartbeat of hesitation before turning and sweeping dramatically down the hall with their violet cloak billowing behind them in a similar but much more attractive manner to Severus Snape.

Lir had worked himself into quite a nervous state by the time the two of them rejoined at the south entrance (he’d had to text Dave to verify which door was in fact the south entrance - he couldn’t remember if it was the one by the swimming pool, or the one with the arched trellis covered in dead wisteria). It had occurred to him that conversation usually went along with ambulation, and he had a terrible tendency for interesting thoughts to entirely vacate his mind when he was alone with Cal; he predicted, therefore, that their stroll together would be unforgivably awkward because of him. But as soon as they stepped under the newly greening aspens and mountain maples on a worn path Lir hadn’t noticed before, something about the softly shifting greens and dappled shadows and light around them made him relax, and the conversation flowed easily.

The lake at the border of Wisteria Manor’s property was gorgeous, shimmering a deep blue under the jewel bright sky; when the playful wind settled for long enough, the surface of the water would still and the reflection of the pines marching up the rolling mountainside would become clear, hanging down as if falling into an upside down sky. There were plenty of lichen covered boulders to climb around and sit on, mercifully in the shade to protect his sun-sensitive skin. Clark’s nutcrackers called to each other noisily from the pines; their raspy squawks were so comical that Lir couldn’t help but laugh, though he tried to stifle it in case he offended Cal, who seemed to find avian life sacred. But they caught his eye and started laughing too, and before long observing the undulation of the aquatic body was far from both of their minds as they kept talking about everything and nothing while enjoying a basket of almond-meal blackberry scones with maple butter that Dave had prepared for them.

A Clark’s nutcracker swooped closer, landing atop a neighboring boulder and giving the basket of scones an appraising look.

“That’s a very large and loud bird,” Lir commented; he hadn’t realized just how big they were when they were off cavorting around the distant treetops.

“What a delight,” Cal crooned, whipping their binoculars out from beneath their resplendent cloak and focusing expertly on the very large and loud smokey gray bird, even though it was close enough to see quite well without additional magnification. “They are quite shy around humankind and rarely venture within such close proximity,” Cal informed him. Lir took a moment to admire the bird’s white forehead and black wings before turning his attention to Cal. It was the perfect opportunity to observe them, as they wouldn’t notice his gaze with their eyes pressed against the binoculars. Their hair fluttered in the wind, and their cloak danced around like a tethered kite wanting to fly free where it wasn’t trapped under their legs. Perhaps the rich purple cloth should have looked out of place in the earthy green-gray-brown of the scenery around them, but Lir thought it added a nice touch to the mountain color palette, and gave the whole scene an atmosphere of fantasy-novel adventure, as if Cal were a wandering peddler of magic and sorcery. Lir wasn’t sure what that would make him. An apprentice, perhaps? But no, he reminded himself; he was the instructor here.

Glancing around at the greenery-lined lakeshore, Lir realized there was in fact more than a touch of purple in the scenery. Hundreds of light purple mountain irises grew in sporadic clusters near the edge of the shallow end of the lake. “Cal,” he ventured, admiring himself for keeping his tongue from tripping over their name even though he was internally trembling at the intimacy of speaking it out loud, “if I might inquire… those irises. Are they a protected species?”

Cal lowered their binoculars and looked at Lir curiously. The very large and loud bird was being less loud now - completely silent in fact, though neither of them noticed - and took the opportunity to hop closer to the basket of scones.

“They are not, to my knowledge, protected,” Cal answered. “And they are certainly quite abundant here.”

“Might I have your permission to harvest a few, for a vase in my room?” Lir asked, although what he really wanted to do was pick a bouquet and give them to Cal to go with their purple cloak.

“An excellent idea!” Cal exclaimed, lighting up. “Verily, perhaps we ought to gather quite more than a few to bestow around the manor!” They leapt to their feet, somehow managing not to trip on their cloak, and Lir hastily scrambled to follow them down to the lake’s edge. The Clark’s nutcracker, who had fluttered back in fear at Cal’s sudden movement, now took the chance to swoop down upon the basket of scones and conduct an interactive investigation of the remaining crumbs.

The ground by the edge of the water was soggy, and their feet sank into it as they made their way to the closest clump of irises. Cal’s boots were much better suited to the muddy trek than Lir’s sneakers, but he didn’t mind too much; the weather (and the company) was too gorgeous to worry about minor details like waterlogged feet. Lir was about to reach for a pale slender iris stem when Cal flung an arm out to stop him, and his chest ran right into their hand. “It would not do to allow your fair hands to meet the bitter touch of iris directly,” they murmured. They fished around in the depths of their cloak and emerged with a pair of black gloves. There were little daisies embroidered at the hem. Lir stared at them a little longer then he should have and only took them when Cal shook the proffered items a little. Once he had done so, they once again rummaged through the folds of their cloak and found a pair of elbow-length, midnight blue gloves with golden stars embroidered in them. “A different use than they normally find, but I am certain that these shall do,” they remarked. Then they pulled a pocketknife from yet another hidden pocket and crouched by an iris, carefully clipping the stem as though they’d cut flowers many times before.

“If you would be so kind,” they said, presenting the tall iris stem for Lir to hold with a flourish. No one had ever given Lir a flower before (and certainly not someone with such swoon-worthy eyes). He took the iris gingerly while Cal spun back to the task at hand, and before long Lir’s arms were laden with gorgeous purple blooms that smelled like spring in a way that only irises can.

They made their way back to their boulder (Lir thought of it as belonging to the two of them now; he had already catalogued it as a historic site in his mind) and shared a good laugh when the very large and loud bird flew out of the basket in a flurry. “Worry not,” Cal said, drawing a bag out from under their cloak. “I’ve kept our luncheon guarded from harm.” They unfolded a blue and white checkered tablecloth and spread it over the boulder while Lir delicately arranged the flowers in the now-empty basket, careful not to bruise the fragile petals. A good number of the blooms refused to fit in the basket, so he laid them out gently on the ground.

Lir was lost in the joys of Dave’s signature spring rolls dipped in ginger-carrot sauce when he noticed Cal doing something with the spare irises. He watched curiously as they shortened the stems and added clever notches to the thick green stalks, fitting them together like a burr puzzle. Then, unexpectedly, they leapt to their feet, turned, and knelt in front of Lir. “If I may?” they asked, holding the iris-puzzle before him. He didn’t quite understand what was going on, but who was he to deny Cal a single one of their desires? So he nodded. And then their graceful arms lifted the ring of irises, and Lir understood what was happening only in the moment that Cal’s elegant gloved hands settled the crown on his head. “Only now is the beauty of these blooms in proper company, where they can serve to accentuate the glory upon which they perch.”

Lir didn’t think he’d ever blushed so much in his life. He truly did not know what to say. But it seemed Cal didn’t expect him to say anything, as they sat back on the blanket in one fluid motion, peeled off their sleek indigo gloves, and began to eat the remaining spring rolls as though nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred. Soon after, they initiated an entirely unrelated conversation about the geological history of the Rocky Mountains, and Lir began to relax, though he still felt a sort of tingly buzz whenever he felt the irises shift against his hair.

It wasn’t until later, as they trekked back to Wisteria Manor in the golden glow of the sinking afternoon sun, just before they broke through the trees that ended at the unnaturally smooth lawn, that Lir was finally able to say it. “Thank you,” he blurted out, and Cal turned to him in surprise. “For— this. And— everything.” He gestured at the iris crown and the mountain path and the forest as a whole for good measure. He didn’t care that he probably had blisters from his damp socks, or that iris pollen was probably sprinkling his cheeks like golden freckles on top of his constellation of brown ones, or that he probably smelled about how you’d expect after walking under the warm sun for so long. He felt alive and, dare he think it, beautiful, in a way that went far beyond physical appearances. It was unfamiliar and wonderful and terrifying, and Cal was entirely to blame, so it seemed thanks were in order.

“You are most sincerely welcome, Lir,” Cal replied in a low, warm voice, and there was so much almost about the moment - as though they had almost said something more, as though they had almost let their smile turn into something all at once softer yet more intense, as though they had almost wanted to reach out and -

And then they turned and led the way back to the manor; and although the neatly trimmed grass and the precise gravel path and the imposing lines of the manor instilled a heavy sense of returning to reality, Lir held on to the lightness and magic of that day long into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My reaction on reading this section by notobvioustome: ALSDKJFHALSJDKFASDKFJALSKDJFHLASDJF
> 
> Which was your favorite part of these Ambulations? (Mine is definitely the _almost_ scene)
> 
> Also in the course of writing this we learned that irises are maybe-poisonous HENCE the GLOVES 😏😏😏😏


	26. In which Lir meets Vesuvius and things Blow Up

The next day, Lir bounced out of bed with a vigor he never thought he’d see again after middle school started. His first action was to text Coral a series of emojis depicting his excitement and flowers, followed by a keysmash that spanned six lines. He hit send, knowing that it was far too early for her to see but hoping that she would respond anyway so he could share the overflowing basin of happiness his mind had been ever since yesterday.

Rolling out of bed, he shoved on socks and shoes with a fervor, eager to get outside to the pool and meet Cal for their daily bout of birdwatching. Yesterday had been so fun, surely today could only go up? He let himself have a happy wriggle in the hall on the way to the kitchens and then focused on not falling on his face.

He hummed a tuneless melody as he retrieved his favorite mug and began boiling water for tea but froze as something brushed his leg. His gaze inched downwards, and yup, just like he had most feared, there was a _cat_ creeping around the kitchen cabinets. It was a different one than the one from the gym (Baguette? Galette? Pain au chocolat? Its name had been some kind of French pastry… Croissant! Yes, its name was Croissant!). This furred menace was black and white and, if he had absorbed anything about cats from the internet, was what one might describe as a “chonk”. 

The largeness of the cat did absolutely nothing to help calm his suddenly racing heart.

Lir edged along the cabinets, keeping the cat in his sights while he increased the distance between them. The cat seemed relatively uninterested in him for now and was inspecting one of the wooden cabinet doors closely as if it might magically open and reveal something tasty inside (which, for all Lir knew, maybe the cat food _was_ kept in there). That was perfectly fine with Lir, as long as it stayed there and didn’t—

The cat turned its head and stared straight at Lir. 

He felt like his heart stopped and then started competing against Usain Bolt in the 2012 Olympics. The cat was just _staring_ at him, why couldn’t he calm down? It’s not like it was— oh mercy, now it was walking towards him and _meowing_. And what an incredibly loud yowl! Like it was demanding him something? 

Lir stood frozen as the cat began to wind around his legs, meowing plaintively all the while. When that garnered no response, it then stood on its hind legs and began pawing at his thigh. 

The kettle began roaring, a _click!_ signaling that his water was ready for tea. Great, one _more_ thing vying for his rapidly evaporating attention. His brain had almost whited out in panic, and while he may have appeared calm to an outside observer, anyone who looked closely would see that he was pale and sweaty with clenched fists.

He didn’t know how long he stood there statue-still, accompanied only by the sounds of boiling water and cat yowls, but the next thing he was aware of was Cal lowering him laboriously into one of the plush armchairs at the edge of the kitchen/dining space. Lir vaguely wondered why his small size was requiring Cal so much effort but then remembered that Cal had more of a slight elven physique than a heavyset dwarf. Also, on closer inspection, they were cradling that cat with the other arm. They had twisted their body to keep the cat as far from Lir as possible, and it was clear that the coordination required was immense. 

Once Lir had been suitably settled, Cal assured, “I shall return shortly. It is imperative that I return Vesuvius to his quarters with the others. No perhaps, I ought to set him in the quarters for _naughty_ felines. He knows he is not supposed to eat for another hour…”

Lir zoned out once more as Cal left. When they returned, still looking worried, he was feeling a little better. The absence of any cats helped. 

“Do you require any assistance?” Cal fretted.

“No, I’m fine,” Lir hastily replied. He didn’t want them to think he was such a wimp that the rest of his day would be thrown off just by one cat (albeit an absolute unit of one). 

Unfortunately, Vesuvius seemed to be the harbinger of his day’s fortunes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pain au chocolat would be a good name for a cat: y/n?  
As notobvioustome said: a very long and large name that would be excellent for a not necessarily very long and large cat


	27. In which Lir’s troubles Mount

_Unfortunately, Vesuvius seemed to be the harbinger of his day’s fortunes._

After a bit of small talk while his legs returned to solid from jelly (How was your sleep? Did you have any dreams?) (Cal, it turned out, had _lots_ of weird dreams and was happy to inform Lir of all of them), Lir had gotten up to finish preparing his tea. Unfortunately, his shaky core and hands had led to him dropping the mug, which bounced off the counter and landed in the sink with a gut-wrenching clanking noise. The mug now had a crack running along the side, extending three-quarters of the way to the bottom.

It seemed that Cal hadn’t heard the clamor, seeing as how they were rapidly texting on their Pixel when Lir worked up the courage to look over at the armchairs. Not wanting to make a fuss in front of Cal but also feeling _very_ badly about breaking one of their mugs, Lir had settled on… not saying anything about it. As he continued to stare while his mindgears worked, Cal felt eyes on them and glanced up to meet Lir’s gaze. “Is something amiss?” they inquired.

“No!” Lir blurted. “I was just, er, wondering if you would like tea as well?” 

Cal looked at Lir oddly. “You are most gracious. However, I cannot stomach any nutriment until after we engage in observing avian creatures. I think I may have informed you of this yesterday, during our outing?”

“Right, yes of course!” Lir all but shouted. “Silly of me, to have forgotten that. I’ll just, um, make some for myself then.” 

Hastily, he opened the tea cabinet and sorted blindly through the teas before settling on a random one. Scooping some of the leaves into an infuser, he only half-heard Cal say, “Did you… enjoy yesterday?” Had he looked, _really_ looked at them, he may have noticed the way their hands were twisting nervously in their sweeping dressing gown (it was periwinkle today).

Preoccupied with not messing up _one_ thing today, Lir put all his focus on not spilling his mug of tea while walking over to the armchairs and distractedly answered, “Yeah, it was fine. Shall we go out?”

Cal’s eyes swept down, then closed in resignation. “Yes of course, if that is what you wish,” they sighed. Lir’s brain, acutely attuned to if someone might not want him around, started blaring sirens. Before he could react, Cal got up and extended a hand in clear offer. 

Lir did not accept the offer. He didn’t mean to, of course, but he had been looking down and already beginning to get up by the time he noticed Cal’s hand. It would have been too awkward to grab the hand then, right? Or should he have sat back down and then taken Cal’s hand to pull himself up?

He was still obsessing over it after the two of them had returned from birdwatching and were seated at the table watching Dave expertly throw together pancakes. Lir didn’t particularly _like_ pancakes, but by that point, it felt like his social capital had run dry so it would be better not to ask for anything.

Lir pulled out his phone, deciding that scrolling through Tumblr would be a good way to avoid lingering on what Cal must think of him. Unfortunately, it seemed that Coral had woken up and wanted to discuss _all_ about Cal. Lir quickly put the phone to sleep and then, feeling it buzz, turned it off completely. He couldn’t handle this right now. Already, the day was developing so differently from how he had envisioned it this morning. Lir felt like he might cry if he thought about it more. 

This was how Ianthe found them. Spotting an awkward silence, she dove right in, heading straight for Cal and telling them all about her night. “And the mattress!” she exclaimed. “Cal, dear, you know I don’t care at all for soft beds. Are there really no firmer beds in this manor?”

“The only firm mattress here is Cal’s,” Dave replied, arms laden with the first batch of pancakes. He handed over Lir’s plate with a wink.

A wink can mean different things in different circumstances, as anyone who has read _Good Omens_ can attest. In this particular case, Dave intended his wink to mean, “Good morning! I hope you enjoy the food today! It brings me great joy to see the pleasure that my food brings you. I love you dude.” Lir’s interpretation of this same gesture was, “Oh, I can tell you _all_ about Cal’s mattress because I sleep there every night. And isn’t it cute how Ianthe is flirting with Cal? We’re all so cute.”

Perhaps if he hadn’t spent the morning spiraling downwards over a collection of relatively minor mishaps, Lir would have realized that this was an improbable thing for Dave to express. Given the state of things, though, the seed of insecurity had been planted.

That seed germinated over the next few days, plaguing Lir and dragging his attention away from things that he would usually find enjoyable (as well as things he did not) (like swimming). Every interaction he had, he helplessly questioned the intentions of the other person. 

Take, for example, his attempt the next afternoon to make blueberry muffins for the household. Thinking of social capital again, Lir had decided that making one of his few specialties would be a nice thing to do and also have the advantage of making him feel a tad less indebted to the other residents of Wisteria Manor. A short while later, Dave found him in the kitchen straining to reach the almond meal on the top shelf.

“Dude! Watch out!” Dave had cried. Before Lir knew it, Dave had grabbed him around the middle and carried him to the entrance of the kitchen. “There we go. Don’t worry, I handle the cooking around here, dude! What was it you were thinking of? I’ll whip it up for you.” 

“Um, I was just thinking of making some blueberry muffins…” _for everybody,_ Lir thinks, trailing off.

“Oh rad! I’ll get it all sorted out then. Sit tight man, and get ready for some of Dave’s Special Blueberry Muffins!” He turned away and began to gather ingredients, whistling “Surfin’ USA”. 

Lir watched him do so with a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. He couldn’t really blame the man for taking over, given how much he’d messed up lately and how capable Dave himself was. But he had been looking forward to seeing what Cal’s face might look like when they tasted one of _Lir’s_ desserts. Everyone already knew that Dave was a fabulous cook, but Lir had been looking forward to more than just the snack-based social capital. Perhaps Cal would look surprised that Lir had made something, and then have that quietly pleased smile on their face after they tasted it? 

Instead, Dave slid the tray of completed muffins into the oven, set a timer, and gone out to call Cal and Ianthe from wherever they were. The two of them entered the kitchen with red cheeks and mussed hair. Lir glanced out one of the large windows, and it _did_ look very sunny and windy outside, but… was the true cause some _other_ activity besides gardening?

When he returned to his rooms after one muffin (delicious as always, he had determined grumpily), he sank to the floor and hyperventilated a little bit, then shelved the rest of his stupid, overreactive feelings and went on a cleaning spree to distract himself.

A couple days after that (during which Lir became progressively more useless at conveying Dave’s teachings from the night before and also botched every single social interaction he had) Ianthe invited him to join her gardening. It turned out that by “gardening”, she really meant “pulling weeds while chatting” for two hours. Lir genuinely enjoyed his time with her, and he thought it had been mutual. After going inside and showering though, he found only Cal and Dave at the table for a belated lunch. Ianthe had apparently locked herself up in a room and was handling “personal business”. Lir hoped that her personal business didn’t involve avoiding him because he was so awkward during gardening that she couldn’t stand to spend another minute with him today.

Hyper aware as he was, Lir couldn’t help but notice Cal’s worried glances towards the door, as if they were hoping Ianthe would come bouncing through it at any moment. Dave settled a hand on their shoulder and smiled warmly at Cal, who responded with one of their own. It was such an intimate thing to witness that Lir felt his face turn red, and he buried himself in his pizza polenta to hide himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you want to _get this boi some therapy_.  
*raises hand*


	28. In which Lir Departs Wisteria Manor

After their late lunch, Lir hastily excused himself and locked the door to his own room. His brain whirred almost audibly as he fought to reconcile the clues he had collected thus far. From the very beginning, it had been obvious that Dave and Cal shared a special relationship and that the latter was very protective against what they perceived as romantic threats towards their butler. On the other hand, Ianthe’s exuberance easily brought forth a smile to Cal’s face, which looked as though it was unused to the practice of curving into a grin. Cal didn’t wear a ring, but Ianthe did; however, Lir’s employer had previously expressed that they had allergies, though, so it was plausible that they simply didn’t wear the ring on their finger. With all these clues, the truth revealed itself like the sun from behind a field of clouds. 

Cal was in a polyamorous triad with Dave and Ianthe! 

It was the only explanation that resolved all the factoids Lir had gathered. He sighed in satisfaction and then once more wistfully. With so much love in their life, there was really no room for one redheaded disaster, even one on the smallish side such as himself. No matter what Dave and Ianthe said about becoming family, Lir couldn’t fathom how he could ever become an equally important member of the household.

As the afternoon wore on, these thoughts continued to cycle and build power until a perfect mental storm of self-loathing was raging inside Lir’s head. It really seemed so obvious. These people might talk about him as if they actually liked him, but they were clearly just too polite to tell him to his face that he was intruding and annoying. Lir’s memory of Cal’s, Dave’s, and Ianthe’s faces swam in his mind, their smiles taking on a sharp, sour edge. Every encounter was just one more act, part of an elaborate play directed by social niceties that he was too naive to pick up on. Conversations of food, friendship, and natation began to be replaced by a whispered narrative that grew louder and louder with each memory he pulled on, desperate for even one interaction that his brain couldn’t find fault in,

”Leave, leave! Leave right now!”

“I can’t imagine why I ever thought you’d be worth the hire. You’re worth less than a single clothes hanger. You sully the very earth you stand on! I find an hour with you more tiring than an hour watching mold grow!”

“Get out of here!”

“You’re an unwelcome presence, more so than non-native plants in the yard. I just want to make out with my spouse but you’re like a burr that won’t get a clue!”

“Intruder!”

"Dude, you're so vain. You really think I care about you? I just offered to help you out so you’d finish up faster and leave, but you’re so damn annoying."

“Leave!”

“Leave!”

“Leave!”

Rising from the huddle of blankets in the center of his bed that he had assumed what seemed an eternity ago, Lir began to pack his meager bag as if in a trance. His hand lingered above the highlighter yellow swim trunks Dave had mended for him before passing it by. He didn’t deserve to take even one thing more from the happy trio.

Then his eyes caught on the flower crown.

His eyes began to water as he remembered that perfect day - or, what he had thought was a perfect day. It must have been a nightmarish chore for Cal to spend so much time with him, sitting by the lake all afternoon making awkward small talk. His brain struggled for a bit to reconcile why, in that case, would Cal have woven together the flower crown and placed it upon Lir’s head with that declaration? _“Only now is the beauty of these blooms in proper company, where they can serve to accentuate the glory upon which they perch.”_

But really, it’s the same as everything else isn’t it? Lir’s parents had made sure to show him that polity was a hell of a farce. The two of them were prime examples of it.

He turned away from the flower crown and finished stuffing his clothes into his duffel.

The sun hadn’t fully set yet, but it was getting quite dark as Lir trudged wearily down the drive. In his mental exhaustion, it took until he was halfway down the driveway and well into the trees for him to realize that he had forgotten that he’d driven his car here. He couldn’t turn back now, though. Maybe one of the Wisteria Manor residents would take pity on him and get it back to him later. Or, more likely, Cal would find it worth the money to tow the car away and cease having it dirty up the view of their mansion.

His thoughts thus occupied by the car, he failed to notice the sound of Dave calling his name until the man was almost upon him. Lir yelped and swung his bag around on instinct, catching the butler right in his midsection.

Dave doubled over in surprise, and Lir panicked as he realized that he had just struck his very soon-to-be _ex_-employer’s boyfriend. Dropping the bag, he began to sprint away from the mansion, gaining momentum as gravity pulled him downhill.

More shouts called after him, but Lir ignored them all, focused intently on escape. He couldn’t bear to see them all again, hear their empty words speak false comfort only for them to show him later on that they never cared at all. Plus, it would be hella awkward. That thought alone was enough to push more energy into his burning legs.

That is, until a sideways body crashed into him from behind, their momentum combining and causing the both of them to roll painfully all the way down the hill (A/N: aaaaaaas youuuuuuu wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish) until Lir and, based on the cloak entangling the two of them together, Cal slowed to a stop at the side of the entrance to Wisteria Manor’s driveway.

They lay there for a few minutes catching their breath, the adrenaline fading while the aches and scrapes began to make themselves known. Eventually, Lir broke the silence.

“I didn’t know you could run that fast.”

He felt a shaking next to him as Cal laughed breathlessly. “I can’t. Dave picked me up and threw me at you.”

Lir thought he should probably be surprised by that, but it honestly seemed like a very Dave thing to do. Before he could comment on it, Cal continued, even quieter than before, “Why were you leaving?”

Lir gulped and made as if to move away, but one of Cal’s hands shot out from the cloak and grabbed his wrist. “Please,” they asked, their dark eyes staring straight into Lir’s own. It reminded him of the first night they met, and the recollection brought a new wave of shame on him.

“I couldn’t possibly stay here,” he mumbled, turning away as far as the confines of the cloak and his joints would let him. The sky was almost fully dark now, and only the weak lights at the entrance gate allowed him to make out anything in the gray landscape.

“I couldn’t possibly imagine you leaving either, so looks like one of us needs a better imagination,” Cal snapped. Their other hand gently grabbed Lir’s cheek and turned him to face them. “I... I know it probably feels uncomfortable to be around us. We’re... quite different from normal people. And if you feel disgusted to be around us, that’s— well, I won’t say that’s fine, because I wouldn’t be fine. But I would understand.”

Lir gaped at them. He was unsure if Cal could see the expression on his face in the gloom, but he hoped they could. “Why would I be uncomfortable with you? I can barely understand how you can stand to be around me! I’m so— such a— I’m a complete _disaster_ and you all are always having to take care of me even though _you’re_ the one who hired me. You must be so tired of having to act like it’s fine that I mess up everything I do, that I can’t do anything with even an ounce of seeming like a put-together adult. I’m such a complete idiotic _mess_ of a person, and you and Dave and Ianthe are so _not_ that but you pretend like it’s okay even though I must be an annoying hindrance to all of you. Why would you ever want to keep me around you all, when it’s so clear that you’re all so, so _well-adjusted_ and happy, and happy with _each other!_ And on that note, a little polyamory is nothing to be concerned about! In fact, I, for one, am thrilled that you found each other—“

“Wait,” Cal commanded, pushing themself up on their arms so as to see Lir better. This coincidentally meant that they were _half on top_ of Lir, a fact that did not escape even his anxiety-ridden brain. “What did you think was the case?”

_Why are they drawing this out?_ Lir wondered. “I mean, it seemed pretty clear? You, Dave, and Ianthe, together? I mean, you all get along so well, and complement each other, and it just seems like there’s no place for me in all that and it would be rude of me to continue intruding--”

He was interrupted by Cal bursting into laughter so loud and genuine that they started snorting, a development which threw them into further peals of laughter. 

Lir would have felt hurt at the ridicule, but he was busy being stunned at how light and free that laugh sounded. It made him realize that he hadn’t heard Cal utter so much as a chuckle in the few weeks he had been living at Wisteria Manor. Then, before he could start getting upset, Cal started to speak.

“I’m sorry, I truly do apologize, it’s just,” they wheezed, let out a few more chortles, then cleared their throat and took a deep breath before starting again. “I cannot even _imagine_ Ianthe or Dave having the least particle of romantic interest in me. Just the thought is enough to—” and they broke out into hysterics once more.

Lir felt very turned around now. It didn’t _sound_ as if Cal was having him on, but if that was the case, then what _was_ the truth? 

Cal seemed to sense his confusion. From their position straddling Lir, they leaned down until their nose was almost touching his while also tipping his chin up with gentle fingers. “Lir,” they said, voice quiet but authoritative and so, so full of sincerity. It was strange to hear their voice denuded of mystery or pretenses. “I have never once, not _ever_ believed you to be a burden, an idiot, or any of those incredibly hurtful things you seem to believe about yourself. Your perception of your own value is incredibly distressing to me. Would you ever say those things to a friend?”

Lir shook his head numbly, though the movement was restricted by Cal’s fingers’ continuing hold on his chin.

“Lir,” they said again. “I consider you to be my newest dear friend. Every day I look forward to waking up so that I can spot birds at sunrise with this friend. His very presence in my household brings warmth and joy and pleasure to me, feelings that I never anticipated when I placed an ad for a swimming instructor. It is also clear to me that my dear friend is suffering, which in turn makes my own heart hurt. I want for nothing more than to ease his worries and see him happy because his happiness brings me happiness. Would you do me the favor of refraining from insulting him?”

It was too much for Lir. His lips trembled, and tears attempted to well forth, doing their best to overcome the barrier of testosterone. Cal’s direct declarations of concern for a friend were more than he’s heard from anyone since moving out west. He hadn’t had any close friends before his escape to the mountains besides Coral, and she was often busy and also not the type to express how deeply she felt unless it involved her wife. 

The first sob escaped his throat just as Ianthe came crunching through the leaves and shone a flashlight on Cal’s shoulder. Quick as a flash, before the beam could illuminate his messy, snotty face, Cal yanked a fold of cloak free and used it to shield Lir. “We’re okay!” they called. “Just… give us some space? Please? Maybe come back in about 15 minutes with your car, actually. We both took a tumble down the hill.” 

Lir didn’t hear her answer, preoccupied as he was with trying to suppress the frankly embarrassing sobs that insisted on spilling out of his mouth. Unfortunately, this had the effect of inflicting hiccups on himself, and it was all he could do to try and hold those back too. Covering his face with his hands, Lir was distantly surprised to feel the wetness on his hands. He hadn’t been able to cry like this since starting his testosterone injections.

Cal rolled them both slightly so the two of them were on their sides, and then hesitant arms reached forwards to encircle Lir and pull him close, holding him comfortingly as he cried. “Shh, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Cal soothed. “Let your frustrations out, release your inner demons to the air so the wind might cleanse you of conflicts. Think of my presence as a guardian against your malicious thoughts that threaten to unseat you from your grounded balance. You are safe and wanted here.”

And, as his tears ran out and the sniffles receded, Lir began to feel that that might be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I put an A/N in there (I am not actually sorry at all)
> 
> Fun fact: Lir has a PhD in Overthinking Things
> 
> Also: please visualize Dave throwing Cal like a javelin. Thank you.
> 
> Comment from notobvioustome on the line _You're all so well-adjusted_: "I'm going to start using this as an insult. also what about a person who lives in a mansion alone (except for an inexplicable surfer butler who started his own religion) in the mountains who can't swim and refuses to speak in normal conversational language seems well-adjusted, tell me that Lir"


	29. In which Lir meets Talus

If kind words could cure self-doubt and fill in the treacherous cracks in his self-esteem, then perhaps Lir would have been healed long ago from the gentle assurances and encouragements of old friends like Coral and Cecilia. And perhaps he would have felt more like himself - or more like his better self - after talking with Cal and Dave, after coming to his senses and returning to the manor and scrapping his poorly thought through plans of running away. But words could only go so far, a healing balm that took away the sting but didn’t close the wound. He would have to do the rest himself. Well, perhaps not entirely by himself. He had made enough money by now that he could afford a therapist for the first time in years. But the impracticality of finding one who was easily accessible from Wisteria Manor was a major deterrent, and he felt uneasy pangs of guilt at the thought of calling up his former therapist, who he’d only gone to long enough to get signatures for hormone therapy and gender marker changes on official documents. But he still remembered enough anxiety coping strategies that he figured couldn’t go amiss if he engaged in them on his own. And he remembered that the most important things he could do were to give himself space and time to heal. So for the first time in a long time, he began to allow himself that.

He took to taking long walks alone around the edges of the expansive property in the early mornings and late evenings, listening to birds and even identifying a few, thanks to Cal’s frequent birdwatching lessons. He started keeping a journal in a notebook Dave found for him (apparently there was an entire closet full of office and craft supplies that Lir had not stumbled upon yet). The journal was less about recording his days (although sometimes there were memorable moments that felt too worthy of preserving to resist jotting down) than it was about unclogging his brain and letting his muddled thoughts swirl away. Sometimes it was clumsy attempts at poetry, sometimes it was a list of things he could now afford to buy at the grocery store, sometimes it was just repetitive doodles. Whatever came into his mind went on the paper. He didn’t think too hard about it, just let it happen. He found a library near the unused dining lounge, and though the books were mostly uninteresting volumes about banking and investments and business and marketing, he found a few gems, including several collections of poetry, so on rainy (or snowy) afternoons (of which there were many at this time of year), when natation instruction was out of the question, he would borrow a book and curl up under the undead orchids on a stack of pillows reading Rumi or Shakespeare or Neruda.

But perhaps one of his favorite new pastimes was exploring the vast manor. He didn’t want to explore it all at once, so he would pick a new direction every day and become intimately familiar with whatever he discovered, savoring a secret window seat or a walk-in closet as big as his apartment or a bathroom with an entire wall of translucent glass brick. Most often he encountered no one on these expeditions, because Ianthe was likely to be in the garden and Dave was likely to be in the kitchen and Cal was likely to be with one or the other. 

It was on one such adventure that he discovered a series of hallways in the middle of the manor that he’d never been through before. It felt like a maze; at least four branches connected here, where the secondhand lighting from distant windows danced around corners and left the spaces in shadows that reminded him of an abandoned museum, a thought enhanced by the glass cases along the walls that housed old handwritten historical documents and prints of ancient drawings. It felt almost sacred, he reflected; as though nothing could break the sleepy silence, as though this hallway were frozen in an undisturbed pocket of time—

Hisssssssssss. He froze, the vintage earthworm life cycle diagram he was examining quickly forgotten. The hissing, slithering sound was coming nearer. He wildly thought of the basilisk in Harry Potter and closed his eyes, crouching down and pressing himself against the wall. Then he heard the softest sound of slippered footfalls accompanying the hiss, which he now thought sounded like the rustling of fabric, or perhaps the swish of a mop. He opened his eyes.

It was not a mop. It was, in fact, a curtain - a particularly ugly maroon and gold paisley one, which he recognized from the dining lounge. It was sweeping through the intersection of the hallways like a bridal train, and perched regally atop it were Croissant and Vesuvius. Well, they seemed regal at first glance, but on second glance Lir saw Croissant batting gleefully at the edge of the curtain, and Vesuvius batting gleefully at Croissant’s tail. Lir truly did not know how to react to this moment, physically, mentally, or emotionally, so he stayed frozen in his uncomfortable crouching-while-pressed-against-the-wall position until the curtain and its riders trailed out of sight. That was when he heard Cal’s voice.

“And did you verily enjoy this experience, my beloveds?” they cooed. “Would it entertain you to engage in a second round of gliding seamlessly across this smooth expanse? Oh, you are such gloriously gorgeously fantastically phenomenal felines, are you not? Allow us to sweep on for another round, my loves.”

Even if Lir had wanted to move, he wasn’t sure he could have gotten away fast enough, as his legs had begun to cramp. The slither-hiss sound began to approach anew, along with the sound of Cal’s feather-light footsteps (Lir was convinced they truly were an elf). Cal strode into view with the curtain draped elegantly over their shoulder, leading the procession through the halls once more. Lir’s leg gave a painful spasm and collapsed. Cal brought the procession to a halt and turned to look at Lir with great surprise. Croissant and Vesuvius seemed mildly puzzled by the delay, but waited patiently for their dear human to resolve the situation and continue on with the gliding.

“Um,” Lir supplied eloquently. His face must be redder than Dave’s homemade chili oil by now, and that thought pushed further blood to his cheeks as he imagined how silly he must look.

Cal’s eyes widened a little more. “I must apologize,” they whispered, already beginning to pull the curtain further from Lir. “I do not wish to disturb you.”

“Wait!” Lir cried, surprising himself as well as the two cats. “I mean, if you want to, I would be delighted by the privilege of your company.”

Cal looked a bit delighted themself by that statement, but their pleasure dimmed slightly a moment later. “Regretfully, it is the royal ones’ designated play hour, and any sovereign is much displeased by the disruption of such routines. Given your appreciation for distance from them, if I may request your company at a later time…?”

Lir gulped, and gulped again. “Actually…” His fists clenched in resolve, and he drew on the strength of his commitment to heal that had blossomed forth that day in the woods. “I wondered if I might greet the nobility in addition to requesting your presence?” He nodded to Croissant and Vesuvius, who were beginning to look rather impatient with the unexplained arrest of their gliding. 

Silence, as Cal gaped at him. “Are you certain?” they questioned softly. At Lir’s nod, they slowly approached, cats peering curiously at this new direction as the trailing curtain grew closer to this new human.

Lir expected that Cal would start his introduction to the cats of Wisteria Manor with Croissant, whom he’d already met (albeit disastrously) before, or even Vesuvius, who was right there and whom he’d heard Dave chastise for trying to eat plastic just a few days ago. Instead, once they were three feet away, Cal came to a stop and reached both arms into the folds of curtain draped in a nonrandom yet incomprehensible way over their chest. From the depths of fabric, they produced a gray cat who was larger than any other Lir had ever seen in his life. 

“This is Talus,” Cal announced. “Older than the other two, and also bereft of sight, so his enjoyment of gliding is incomparable to the joy he experiences by carrying him upon my person. He craves nothing more than the warm touch of another being. His instincts have been softened with such maturity, and so I believe he would be ideal for your first introduction to the feline branch of our family.” Their speech finished, Cal somehow managed to sink to the floor gracefully, setting Talus down on a fold of curtain between Lir and themself. 

The gray cat slowly lifted his head as Cal withdrew their hands. His head swiveled back and forth, and he let forth a pitiful sounding meow, so pitiful that Lir had extended his hand before he even half thought about it. The second meow had him pulling back a little, remembering the pain and the trauma of that long ago cat-cident. That was old Lir trying to hold him back though. New Lir had resolved to heal himself, and part of that was being able to pet a cat.

Slowly, his fingers brushed the fur at the top of Talus’s head between his ears. The cat, sensing pets, pushed his head up into Lir’s palm. 

And Talus’s head was… _soft_. Softer than any dog Lir had ever pet, softer than the luxurious plush blanket draped at the foot of his bed in the manor, softer than fresh rose petals. It was perhaps an understatement to say that Lir had a soft spot for soft things. And while the revelation of the velvety nature of Talus’s fur didn’t cure him of his fear, he could feel something shifting within him. It was good to be reminded that frightening things could also be lovely things. And the more he pet Talus, the more the loveliness shone through. The great gray cat leaned into his pets with such enthusiasm and pure trust and contentment that Lir couldn’t help relaxing fractionally, and then a fraction more. And then Talus began to purr. It was a deep, rumbly, raspy sound, a vibration that Lir could feel under his fingertips as he began to scratch under Talus’s chin, which was white as milk and even silkier soft than the fur on his forehead. It was a good, comforting sound, like very distant thunder blending with heavy rain on a cool summer night when there’s plenty of tea and candlelight to keep warm and dry.

“He likes you,” Cal said quietly, their voice warm, their gaze lowered to Talus’s blissful face, or perhaps to Lir’s hand. It was impossible to tell which. It wasn’t until much later that Lir realized why such a simple statement had left his heart caught in his throat, realized that Cal had let their usual articulate verbal embellishments slip.

“I believe the sentiment may be mutual,” Lir managed to get out, glancing up at Cal’s eyes and then away again before they could look back. Talus chose this moment to give his hand a particularly enthusiastic rub and left a smear of cat drool on his thumb, but he didn’t really mind.

“I do not wish to rush these tender proceedings, but I’m afraid I must attend to the others before their tempers reach the point of no return,” Cal said, giving Lir a searching look. “Would you perhaps desire to support Talus in the cradle of your arms and regard the procession while I recommence the transportation of the younger royal family along the passageways?”

Lir looked at Talus. He looked at Cal. He looked at the long, ugly curtain and the two impatient cats resting in the middle. An impossible, reckless idea was forming in his mind. “You’re quite certain it is completely safe for me to hold Talus?” He asked.

“Quite certain,” Cal confirmed, their expression hopeful.

“Well then,” Lir said. And with a deep breath, he gently reached out and lifted Talus into his arms.

There was no dramatic orchestral swelling in the soundtrack of his life; there was no earthquake, no dramatic clap of thunder, no distant cinematic scream; no angels sang, no film director yelled “that’s a wrap!” as Lir continued to hold Talus in his arms. In fact, nothing at all happened, except for the continuing to hold Talus in his arms. Talus purred. Lir might have smiled. Cal might have smiled even more. And then Lir stood up, and Talus continued to purr, and Cal looked at them both in surprise.

“It is probably not a surprise to you that I am of extremely slight build,” Lir said conversationally, walking slowly towards the end of the ugly maroon curtain train, swaying Talus gently from side to side the way he saw people rock human babies. “In fact, Dave commented with some astonishment on the ease with which he was able to lift me just the other day.”

Cal looked absolutely mystified, as if they wanted to scratch their head but deemed it too inelegant and thus were forced to stand very still and assume an expression of polite bewilderment instead.

“So I hope,” Lir continued, setting one fuzzy-socked foot on the truly horrible curtain, and then another, “that it wouldn’t be asking too much if I were to join in the second round of gliding seamlessly across the smooth expanse.” With that, he carefully sat on the curtain just shy of the mustard tasseled fringe at the trailing end, gently settled Talus in his lap, and looked up at Cal to see how they would react.

And this was how Lir’s favorite tour of the manor thus far began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, _watch_ it, I'm _gliding_ here!" 
> 
> I wish I had a panther-like cat with unreasonably long fur to pet...
> 
> Any theories as to why Cal seems to dip in and out of Calspeak? 👀


End file.
